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Post by stepper on Sept 9, 2011 18:14:11 GMT -6
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
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Post by stepper on Feb 7, 2012 18:59:05 GMT -6
Trying to write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
Headline: Thief steals calendar-gets twelve months.
And as Californians know, when the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
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Post by Phalon on Feb 8, 2012 7:32:23 GMT -6
There's some good stuff in those last couple of posts, Stepper.
This one came from an e-mail, and could be (but it wasn't) titled "Been There, Done That"....
"I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with another.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends and family.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I've also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get.
Once I was in Dispensible but I'm not allowed to even visit there anymore."
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Post by stepper on Feb 8, 2012 23:01:14 GMT -6
Good one's Phalon!
A dentist and a manicurist married. Unfortunately, they fought tooth and nail. There was a guy who had a photographic memory, but it was never developed.
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 2:59:20 GMT -6
I've always felt that a good pun is it's own reword.
Has anyone posted yet about the bell ringer?
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Post by Phalon on Mar 29, 2012 4:33:33 GMT -6
I don't recall, Spock, that the bell ringer has been mentioned. Go ahead and post it. If it's funny, I shall applaud....
....because what good is a bell ringer if there's no clapper?
Get it?
Sigh.
Off to find more coffee.
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 9:22:59 GMT -6
I have two, so will post the shorter one first. If enough like it, I will then post the larger.
Bell Ringer1
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." {Not through yet}
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked. "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
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Post by Mini Mia on Mar 30, 2012 13:27:09 GMT -6
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 0:07:51 GMT -6
Does that mean you want to see the loooooong version?
[Added] Ooooo, I have found my Pun Archive. 190,552 bytes of text puns ...
A 4 sided debate
Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.
The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength ... None in the forest dared to challenge him.
The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.
As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all ...
hawk, lion, and stinker.
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 13:30:33 GMT -6
There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.
One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.
When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him: "Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?"
He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you? ... There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 13:35:05 GMT -6
Afraid not
There were three pieces of rope wandering in the desert. They were very hot and thirsty. They came upon a bar and one went in. He asked for a drink and the bartender said, 'read the sign buddy we don't serve ropes.'
'Oh come on just this once', the rope asked again. The bartender said 'nope', so the rope left. The second rope figured he was a bit better looking and maybe the bartender would soften a little and let him have a drink. He went in and asked for a drink, the bartender shook his head and said 'Hey Buddy, it's just like I told your friend we don't serve ropes here.' Dejected the rope left the bar.
The 3rd rope heard both of their stories, thought for a moment. Then he rolled himself into a knot and fluffed the edges so it was a little frayed. The third rope went into the bar like this and asked for a drink.
The bartender asked, 'Hey are you a rope?' The 3rd rope looked down at himself and said 'Nope, I am a frayed knot!'
====================================
Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.
They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."
So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.
Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"
The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 13:36:19 GMT -6
A Rose
It seems that back in the days of the Roman empire, Nero and Cicero had estates on facing slopes of some hills, and both were avid growers of roses.
Every year Nero's slope was covered in red roses, and Cicero's was covered in yellow roses. Of course, being the masters of their houses, Nero and Cicero didn't actually work in the gardens. They had gardeners charged with seeing that the roses were always up to the standards of the estate.
One winter, Nero's head gardener was planting the rose bulbs for the next season. As he walked down the rows planting bulbs, he suddenly realized that he had been stepping on the last row he had planted. He didn't have enough bulbs to replace the ruined plants, so in the middle of the night he sneaked across the valley to Cicero's estate and stole enough bulbs to complete the planting on Nero's slope.
Well, fortunately for the gardener, he was called out of town around the time when the rose buds were about to open. He therefore wasn't in the reach of Nero's wrath when he noticed the one yellow line breaking up his beautiful red field.
Nero sent a note to his gardener asking about this unusual chromatic anomaly. It read: "Our roses arose. Is a row Cicero's?"
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 13:36:53 GMT -6
Arson
Back in the days of the old west, somewhere in Kansas, there lived a rancher named Fred Holt. One day Fred found himself in need of supplies so he headed off to town to restock. After picking up all he needed, Fred decided to stop off at the local saloon for a warm one (no refrigerators in the old west). As he was standing there quietly drinking his beer, who should approach but his neighbor Sam Leed.
Now Sam was in a vile mood concerning a certain fence that Fred had recently erected. Sam felt that open range should remain open and told Fred this in no uncertain terms. A violent argument ensued, ending only when the two parties were pulled off of each other and escorted out of town.
Fred went on home and settled in for the night, but about midnight was suddenly awakened by a commotion. He looked out and discovered that his house was on fire. Quickly he gathered his family and managed to get them all to safety. The house was a total loss, however.
Fred hitched up his wagon and headed off to town. When he told the people what had happened, they were outraged. There was law coming into Kansas and this wasn't tolerable. A posee was immediately formed and Sam was arrested.
Now it just so happened that that great detective Charlie Chan happened to be passing through town on his way to California. It seemed that something was funny about this case, so he decided to stay awhile and investigate.
He headed out to Fred's ranch and proceeded to look for clues. Right away, it was apparent that the fire had been set. An empty kerosene can and a suspicious odor said that this was no accident.
Poking around a bit, Mr. Chan found buried in the dirt an old, somewhat decomposing breechcloth, possibly discarded by one of the conscript labor party that had built the railroad.
Most interesting, since the railroad tracks were ten miles distant. He was onto something, but needed another clue to tie it up. He found it in the form of a handbill, crumpled and discarded in the corner of the barn.
Unfolding it he read "Have you seen this coin? This 1832 half dollar is worth over $1000. We will pay you hard cash for this coin and others like it. Write for free list. J. Abernathy, coin broker, Boston".
Now he had all he needed to free Sam. He headed back toward town. When he arrived, he noticed that no one was around. The town was deserted, and worse still, the jail was empty, its door smashed.
Realizing that trouble was brewing, Charlie started running. As he neared Hanging Rock, he could hear the angry roar of mob justice.
He entered the clearing and fought his way through the crowd while yelling "Stop. You are making a big mistake. You are about to hang the wrong man. The real culprit is The Lone Ranger."
The crowd stopped and gasped. Sam, a rope already placed around his neck, looked visibly relieved. The mob leader looked down and asked "The Lone Ranger? How could that possibly be?"
Charlie paused, smiled, and replied "It has to be. All the clues point to it...
A fiery 'stead with the spite of Leed A clout of dust And a hearty 'Buy old Silver'
Who else could it have been?"
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 16:10:45 GMT -6
The Bell Ringers: The Whole Story
It was an ancient, but rather inconsequential village situated along a road less traveled, about a day's walk northwest of Calcutta, India. There was little there in the way of commerce and the people, who were either farmers or herdsmen, lived close to the land, depending upon it to yield a living. Beyond survival, there was little to brighten their day. Occasionally they would have the opportunity to show hospitality to a traveler who took the wrong fork at the intersection about eight miles back.
They were an humble people who had few possessions of which to boast. But there was one thing in which they took great pride. The stone temple which had stood for centuries in the center of the village was the focal point of their entire social life. The one thing they had desired and worked toward obtaining for the last two hundred years had finally been secured a large bronze bell for the temple belfry.
One day there was a little excitement in the village. It seems that a farmer coming from the field where he had gathered a few turnips stopped his wagon beside the house where he usually did, unhitched the donkey and led him to the stall. He told his children to get the turnips out of the wagon and take them to the watering trough and wash them. The problem arose because the farmer, distracted by the children's joyful squeals, forgot to place a chock under the wagon wheel. The wagon grew lighter as the turnips were removed and with the jostling of the children it began to roll backward. There were two smaller children in the wagon who, by the time they perceived the wagon was rolling, were afraid to jump out so they began to scream.
The road leading out of the village was not very steep and the friction of the wheel bearings prevented the wagon from gaining much momentum, but it had a good head start on the men of the village who, at first, had ignored the children's screams. However, without intervention it was certain that the wagon would run off the road and down the steep hillside resulting in severe injury to the children. As luck would have it, there was a stranger walking up the hill into the village, and perceiving the danger to the children ran toward the approaching wagon. Upon reaching the wagon he ran alongside until his speed matched that of the wagon and then by getting in front of it he managed to retard its progress until it came to a stop.
The men of the town quickly arrived and chocked the wheels and gratefully retrieved their children who were now safe. They gathered around the young hero, slapping him on the back and expressing their gratitude for his brave act. His bravery was all the more marveled at because, as the men of the town quickly noticed, the young man had no arms!
The assembled group escorted the young hero into the village square singing his praises to everyone there. After some of the excitement died down the village leaders began to talk of how they might reward the young hero. Our hero declined the necessity of any reward. The leaders, however, insisted it would not be right to fail to bestow some sort of honor for this brave act. After much debate, the priest who served at the temple stepped forward to address the group.
"For eight generations the people who worship at this temple have brought special offerings out of their meager earnings for the purpose of purchasing a fine bronze bell to call the people to assemble. Such a bell would be very expensive and many have made great sacrifice to purchase it. We have just recently installed that bell in our temple and it is rung only for special occasions. The people of this village would consider it a great honor to themselves for a man of your caliber to ring our bell.... but I see you have no arms, so how would it be possible?"
Our hero replied, "I would indeed be honored to ring your bell. Since I was born without arms I have learned that there other ways to accomplish what is to be done. Take me to the belfry and I will find a way to ring it."
The priest and some village leaders and our hero ascended the stairs to the belfry. Our hero told the others to stand back so that the bell could swing freely. He then placed his forehead against the rim of the bell and pushed. The bell swung a few inches and stopped. Our hero let the bell swing back toward himself and as it slowed he placed his forehead against it and pushed again. By careful timing of his pushes he was able to get the bell to swing a little farther with each successive push. Just as the bell was swinging almost enough for the clapper to strike, a bird nesting above the bell was disturbed and flew out past our hero. The movement startled him and upset his timing so that he rushed the next push. The swinging bell met his forehead with such momentum that our hero was knocked completely out of the belfry and fell to the ground below.
Everyone was stunned by this turn of events. The young hero they had wanted to honor now lay dead as a result of their good intentions. A terrible tragedy! The priest lamented, "He whom we wanted to honor we have killed, and we never even asked him his name. He is a stranger to us, but it may be that he lives in a nearby village. Everyone come and take a good look at him and see if you know him."
So the people lined up and filed past the young hero's body, but each one failed to identify him. Near the end of the line an old lady stood leaning on her cane peering at the young man. Finally she spoke, Ö "I can't call his name, but...his face sure rings a bell."
There was nothing to do but to give the young man a decent funeral and burial. They put him in a borrowed casket and assembled the entire village to pay him homage. They all entered the temple and closed the doors and began the eulogies.
Just after the doors of the temple were closed a stranger came up the road toward the village. Arriving there he was perplexed to see the village apparently deserted. He walked all around peering into doorways and marveling that the entire population of the village seemed to have vanished. After a while he heard muffled sounds coming from the temple so we went to investigate. Finding the doors locked he knocked and an usher came out.
"Stranger," the usher said, "The whole village is here for a funeral service. Is there something you need?"
"I was just looking for my brother," the stranger replied. "If anyone in the village has seen him they would know him for he has no arms. Do you know if he has been here?"
"Stranger," the usher replied, "I have some bad news. Your brother, who was a hero to us, was killed in a tragic accident and it is his funeral service we are holding here."
The usher went into the temple and interrupting the eulogies announced to the assembled people the arrival of the stranger at the door. Of course, this stopped the funeral proceedings. After some confusion and explanations to the stranger about all his brother had done, the priest said, "Stranger, it was our intention to honor you brother by allowing him to ring our new bell. I think it only fitting that, in light of all that has happened, you should ring the bell on his behalf."
The stranger agreed and he and the village leaders ascended the stairs to the belfry. "We have not yet been able to purchase a rope long enough to reach the vestibule," said the priest, "but we have our best short rope on the bell." The stranger wrapped the rope around his hand so that he had a good grip and gave a mighty tug. Their best rope broke! The stranger lost his balance, staggered backward and over the parapet to the ground below.
You cannot imagine the stunned surprise; the gasps of disbelief; the wails of agony that ensued. It is just not possible that two such tragedies occur in the same day. After the people had begun to collect their wits the priest said, "You know, in all the excitement of the brother of our hero arriving here, we never did ask his name. Does anyone here recognize this man?" The people lined up as before and looked carefully at the stranger, but no one recognized him. Finally the same old lady as before studied his face intently while leaning on her cane and said, . . . "I can't call his name, but... he's a dead ringer for his brother!
So once again the church was left without a bell ringer. An advertisement was placed in the local paper and within days a young man who possessed two stout arms applied for the job. The pastor was greatly impressed with the fellow's bell-ringing skill, and he offered the job. The young man accepted and the pastor began to fill out some paperwork. He said, "Now what is your name?"
The fellow replied, "I cannot tell you, but I will whisper it to the bell." Now this seemed somewhat unusual to the pastor, but he needed a bell ringer, so he nodded his approval. The young man leaned toward the bell, cupped his hands around his mouth, and whispered something unintelligible to the bell. The pastor, wondering if he was doing the right thing, left the young man to his work.
For weeks the skies above the city were filled with the most glorious tones imaginable, until one day -- quite by accident -- the young man slipped, fell out the side of the belfry, and plunged to his death upon the pavement below.
A crowd gathered 'round; a policeman knelt beside the body; the pastor walked outside to investigate the commotion. The policeman looked up at the pastor and asked, "Do you know this man's name?"
The pastor paused, and then replied slowly, Ö "No, he tolled the bell."
So once again the church was left without a bell ringer. An advertisement was placed in the local paper and within days another young man who possessed two stout arms applied for the job, and the pastor asked him to demonstrate his skill with the rope.
The man replied, "I have no need for the rope--just watch this!" With that, he dropped his jaw, tilted his head backward, and produced a perfect E above high C. As he held the note, the bell began to resonate with sympathetic vibrations, and a beautiful tone could be heard throughout the city. The beauty of the sound was incredible, and the man was hired on the spot. With his unique skill, it soon became obvious that the man could ring the bell without even entering the belfry.
Each day at noon he would simply walk along the sidewalk by the church, drop his jaw, tilt his head backward, produce a perfect E above high C, and ring the bell to the amazement of all. Until one day, quite by accident, the vibrations caused the rope holding the bell to snap, and the bell flew out the side of the belfry, plunged toward the ground, and crushed the man to his death upon the pavement below.
A crowd gathered 'round; a policeman knelt beside the body; the pastor walked outside to investigate the commotion. The policeman looked up at the pastor and asked, "Do you know this man's name?"
The pastor paused, and then replied slowly, "No, but Ö he was a real humdinger!"
So another fellow applied for the bell ringer's job. He also had no arms. Like one of his predecessors he would strike the bell with his face, ringing a perfect note. However, he often missed or hit the wrong bell, which ruined the ringing.
After a couple of weeks, the bishop came to the abbot and said, "You've got to let that bell ringer go. The people don't know when he's ringing a mass, a high mass or the hour of the day."
"I understand." answered the abbot.
"What made you hire him in the first place?" the bishop asked.
"Well, his face had a certain appeal."
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 16:11:49 GMT -6
Bi-gones
Geometry teacher to class: "A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, a five-sided ones are called pentagons." "What about two sided ones?" asked a student. "They don't exist." said the teacher. "I beg to differ! - I think we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons."
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 16:14:55 GMT -6
Callahan's Puns "Share pain is lessened, Shared joy is increased, Thus do we refute entropy."
"An unemployed jester is nobody's fool..." (Danny Kaye)
"A termite walked into a bar and asked "Where is the bar tender?""
"A knight walked into a bar..his squire ducked."
"A horse walks into a bar...bartender says "Why the long face?""
Passage from the zombie bible: "Let he who is without skin cast the first bone."
A lady went to work for a employment agency, for her first assignment she was made an assistant to a scientist. the following day, the lady storms into the employment office, and screams "how dare you send me to work for that man, he is doing terrible cruel experiments on animals". they asked the lady "tell us what happened, what did he do" sobbing, the lady opens up her purse, slowly she withdraws a can from her purse, she holds it in front of her and says, "Just look at what he did to this mousse!"
Long ago, there was a primitive superstitious tribe living on a remote south sea island which was of volcanic origin. They lived happily in their native grass huts, eating the various fruits and nuts that were plentifully supplied by nature. But, in order to placate the volcano god, every year they created an ornate throne and carried a virgin to the top of the volcano where she was sacrificed by being thrown into the fiery pit below. Over the years they left behind the ceremonial chairs, until one day, when the earth began to tremble, and the volcano began to blow. The force was so mighty that all the accumulated ceremonial thrones tumbled down the mountain, crushing all the villagers in their native habitat. Moral of the story: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.
PUNY Riddles: What WHITTLE boy graduated from the School of Hard KNOCKS and was always able to get out of trouble with his winning ways and plays on words? Punocchio (By Tiff Wimberly)
In what English city will you find a group of pate' eaters who gather their British Pounds together to buy lottery tickets? Liver Pool (By David Bunch)
What device did Tiny Tim (the singer) put into his mouth that allowed him to reach the high notes required to sing "Tiptoe through the Tulips?" A Falsetto Teeth (By Gary Hallock)
What is the term for a pregnancy occurring while taking birth control pills? A Misconception (By Stan Kegel)
What movie is about an embarrassed woman who solicited for prostitutes? The Scarlet Pimper, Nell (By Lars Hanson)
Movie of the Week: Tom Cruise and Paul Newman are pool hustlers deliberately trying to lose a fortune in cash that has been infected with a deadly bacteria: The Cholera Money (By Gary Hallock)
Book of the Week: Norman Mailerís classic story about bakers in a nudist colony: "The Naked and The Bread" (By Stan Kegel)
T. V. Show of the Week: Bob moves to Vermont after his cardiac transplant: New Heart. (By Stan Kegel)
Song of the week: When Gilligan & the skipper left on their 4 hour cruise. "Dumb Uncharted Leaving" (By Ken Pinkham)
Celebrity of the Week: Former monster gets into the used car business: Boris Carlot (By Gill Krebs)
Author of the Week At The Last Minute by Justin Time (By Asa Sparks)
I had a date last friday night, and took her to a very snazzy new local restaurant which specialized in 'very' unusual fare. After perusing the menu, she asked for an order of anemones. The waiter took her order, then abruptly returned, to tell us that they were temporarily out of anemones. He recommended the specialty of the house, delicately spiced palm fronds. After they were delivered, my date remarked, "with fronds like this, who needs anemones?"
I had purchased some 'opium' scented incense which actually came in a black sticky mass, like the real thing. One afternoon I was napping in my room when a couple of freshmen from down the hall wandered into my room. Seeing that I was apparently asleep , they rifled my desktop and drawers, finding the incense and hastening away with it. After they left, I imagined them trying to smoke it and chuckled to myself, this will be a clear case of white dopes on punk.
Day after day Charlie the rooster would stand by the road that ran in front of his farm, staring up and down the road with a disdainful look in his eyes. He would glare at the other chickens as they dashed aimlessly across the road, he sneered at the traffic that stirred up dust all day long, and would glower menacingly at any pedestrians that wandered by. One day a well-dressed gentleman stopped by. He said he was the Dean of a nearby college and had been observing the arrogant bird for some time. Whereupon, he produced an official leather bound presentation declaring Old Charlie a Road Scowler.
What do we call the gigantic animal from India that makes its living eating cobras? A humongoose (By Alan Combs)
When the clown joined the symphony orchestra, what instrument did he play? The bass buffoon (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Due to his frequent flights high above the earth's atmosphere, part of Superman's brightly colored costume became old, faded and nearly colorless. He eventually had to replace this particular portion of his costume with one made from a UV resistant fiber. He couldn't just toss out this faded yet historic piece of history so he loaned it to Planet Hollywood where it went on display inside the same glass case that formerly held artifacts from a certain old Steve McQueen film. Oddly enough, they needed only to slightly alter the wording on the plaque. How does it read now? The Greyed S-Cape (By Gary Hallock)
What do you call an attorney who files a suit against the city for damages ensued from a hurricane? A Storm Sue-er (By Stan Kegel)
During a revolt in the fields, he got a woman pregnant. What, specifically, did the old film fans say about this? Humph, he Bogot in the cane mutany. (By Lars Hanson)
Movie of the Week: Gene Hackman chases drug dealers who use MacDonald's to distribute their products in: "The French-Fries Connection" (By Stan Kegel)
Book of The Week: Midst the turmoil of the French and Indian War, a white man discovers the secret of how Indians keep their loincloths in place. "The Elastic of the Mohicans" (By Gill Krebs)
T. V. Show of the Week: William Shatner stars as a prostitute in a Northern Mexico city: T.J. Hooker (By Clynch Varnadore)
Song of the Week: Lament of a boy with Scabies: I've got you under my skin. (By Stan Kegel)
Celebrity of the Week: Daughter of Cassius Clay admits her true gender: Ali's son (By Gill Krebs)
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the passengers in his car!
The local priest decided to become a boiler-room stockbroker on the side, and now he takes his parishoners on a sacremental churning.
In eastern europe, there was a very exclusive resort which specialized in bear hunting. All the leaders of the communist party would go there on vacation from their respective countries for some exhilarating sport. One day a fellow from czechoslovakia and another from poland went out to capture some trophies. As it happened they were surprised by a couple of bears, and instantly gobbled up. When they did not return a search party went looking for them, and finally found the two bears, which they promptly shot. It happened that the bears were a 'couple', male and female, andthe search party promptly cut open the female, only to find the remains of the fellow from poland. The leader of the search party then turned to his fellow searchers and announced, 'The czech must be in the male.'
Mary went to the antiques store and bought a small, old-fashioned, kerosene lighting device but unfortunately found it infested with small albino insects that had recently vacated their former home on a feline. What did Mary have? Mary had a little lamp. Its fleas were white as snow. (By Cynthia MacGregor)
What primate will verbally harass, cajole or agitate others? Harangueutan (By Gary Hallock)
What kind of technology is virtual hugs? Cuddling Edge (By Victor Bobb)
The use of amphibians for testing to determine the probable outcome of a disease or condition is called: Frognostication (By Stan Kegel)
This novel about a large family ends with the elder children leaving home to form a quartet. What is the title of the final chapter? A Four Gone Conclusion (By Stan Kegel)
Movie of the Week: Greer Garson plays a suburban housewife who drive the kids to soccer practice in a small buslike vehicle. "Mrs. Minivan". (By Ken Pinkham)
Book of the Week: Immanuel Kant's classical treatise on the "a priori" existence of desiccated grapes. "Critique of Pure Raisin" (By Gill Krebs)
T. V. Show of the Week: A detective show in which Robert Urich employs an old maid. "Spinster for Hire". (By Ken Pinkham)
Song of the Week: A female sheep, Sir Lancelot, and canned tunes all figure in the title of this old standard: "Ewe and the Knight and the Muzak" (By Cynthia MacGregor)
In your estimation, who was Babe Ruth? A Ball Park Figure (By Lars Hanson)
What do you call a piece of wood driven into the ground to tether a cow to? Beef Stake (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Everyone remembers that awful scene from THE GODFATHER when a certain severed animal part ended up in a guy's bed. Few people know that this animal part (belonging to a former U.S. vice-president) was also well known for playing the role of a witch. What was her name? Agnewís Mare Head (By Gary Hallock)
What do cowboys use to signal each other during a midnight round-up? Communication Saddle Lights (By Stan Kegel)
Two psychiatrists got together and ventured quite successfully into the modern music scene. In so doing they created a whole new variation on a popular genre. What was it called? Shrink Rap (By Lars Hanson)
Movie of the Week: Peter O'Toole as a developer building low cost housing for the Saudis. "Low rents of Arabia". (By Ken Pinkham)
Book of the Week: Doctorowís novel about women's monthly cycles at the turn of the last century now a musical. Rag Time (By Cynthia MacGregor)
T.V. Show of the Week: Richard Dean Anderson hosts a quiz show with reliable computers as prizes. Mac Giver (By Stan Kegel)
Song of the Week: Song sung by Cleopatra while she put the asp to her breasts: "Fangs For the Mammaries" (By Richard Lederer)
A man walks into the psychiatrists office looking frazzled and exhausted, and says, "Doc, you gotta help me...I haven't had a good night of sleep for two weeks...ever since my wife left me for that shaman fellow, I keep having the same nightmare...first I dream I'm a teepee, then I dream I'm a wigwam. Over and over again, first the teepee, then the wigwam...what do you think the problem is, Doc?"
The doctor looked at him and said, "Why, my good man, it's simple...you're too tense."
Two atoms walk out of a bar, and one looks at the other and says "Boy was that a rough night...I think I lost an electron!" The other looks and asks him "Are you sure?" "Yeah!" He says. "I'm positive!"
Where do elderly photographers go to live out their declining years? The Old Focus Home (By Gary Hallock)
One species of pre-humans was known for constantly wandering around. What were they called? Meanderthal Men (By Vanís Camp)
What is the title of the famous novel about rodents & spices? Of Mice Cinnamon (By Gary Hallock)
What is necessary to circumcise a whale? Four Skindivers (By Stan Kegel)
What international city is named for a sunbathing animal? Istanbul (By Scott Ryan)
Movie of the week: Carrie Fisher is busy writing a screenplay about the displaced rebels fleeing Saddam's army in the northern territories. She calls it: "Pushed Kurds from the Edge." (By Gary Hallock)
Book of the Week: Norman Mailerís classic story about bakers in a nudist colony: "The Naked and The Bread" (By Stan Kegel)
T. V. Show of the Week: Alan Alda stars in a show about the preferred culinary preparation of potatoes: m*a*s*h*e*d (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Song of the Week: Hurricane in Florida just after you buy new satellite dish. "Don't Fly from Me Large Antenna" (By Ken Pinkham)
Celebrities of the Week (1) An unruly, rude tot who disobeyed her parents: Churly Temple (By Gill Krebs) (2) A tot star who angers easily: Surly Temper (By Cynthia MacGregor)
The Ant Farm My Uncle Jim did not appear to be much for words. Nor, was he ever seen to have friends or pets.
We thought he was the primordial loner, until one time we caught him with his ant farm. He loved the creatures. He knew more about ants than I knew about the streets in our little town, and he loved to talk about them. Indeed, it was a deep and private affair, and we admired him for it.
One day tragedy hit in the form of a very high wind. It blew the top off the ant farm and his creatures were gone.
Practically in tears, he called me on the phone.
When I asked what was wrong, he replied, ... "The ants are my friends. They're blowing in the wind. The ants are blowing in the wind.!"
The Murders Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there. "What happened?" asks the first officer.
"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."
"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"
"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."
Zero A zero (that's right, a zero) walked into a bar one day and went right up to the counter and asked the bartender for a whiskey sour. "I want a whiskey sour, please", said the zero.
The bartender replied, "Look, buddy, we don't serve zeros in this bar, so either get out or I'm going to kick you out."
The zero got angry and shouted, "I WANT A WHISKEY SOUR, AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!" banging the counter top for emphasis and dramatic effect.
The bartender, thinking it more like comic relief, retorted, "I told you, no zeros in this bar. NOW GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF HERE OR ELSE!!"
The zero promptly left the bar. On the way out, he noticed headlines about a local university professor doing all kinds of experiments with the effects of atomic rays on growth and metabolism. The zero headed to see the Prof., and got accepted as a subject in a series of experiments with alpha, beta, and gamma rays.
Two days later, now a huge, strong, powerful zero glowing, a bright electric blue, he wandered by the bar again. He decided to go back in for a drink. He went straight up to the bar and asked, "I'd like a whiskey sour, please."
The bartender did a double take, and said, "Hey, aren't you the zero that came in just a couple days ago?"
And the zero said: - "No, I'm Alpha-rayed Naught."
The Acorn An acorn (yeah, that's right, an acorn) walks into a bar in Brazil one day and goes right up to the counter and asks the bartender for a whiskey sour. "I want a whiskey sour, please", says the acorn.
The bartender replies, "Look, buddy, we don't serve acorns in this bar, so either get out or I'm going to kick you out."
The acorn gets angry and shouts, "I WANT A WHISKEY SOUR, AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!" banging the countertop for emphasis and dramatic effect. The bartender, thinking it more like comic relief, retorts, "I told you, no acorns in this bar. NOW GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF HERE OR ELSE!!"
The acorn promptly leaves the bar. On the way out, he notices headlines about a food sale at a supermarket across town. Thinking that this is a great way to hide out and recover from his wounded feelings, the acorn heads across town, and gets accepted for sale by the supermarket manager, although a very cheap price has to be set.
Two days later, having reflected on his life as an acorn while sitting in the supermarket, he takes off again and goes back to the bar for his drink. He goes straight up to the bar and says, "I'd like a whiskey sour, please."
The bartender does a double take, and says, "Hey, aren't you the acorn that came in just a couple days ago?"
And the acorn says: "No, I'm a four-reis'd nut."
My brother has taken to wearing an old grey felt hat of the style that was popular back in the thirties and forties, one that I used to refer to as a dad-hat because it was my father's choice as well. The other day I was mocking him and his appearance in this head attire, and he got very angry with me, saying that he felt quite stylish and suave wearing it. His rage increased after I merely chuckled, until I thought we might come to blows. So I finally said, 'Hey, you don't have to make a fedoral case out of this!'
Scientific Theories Sir Isaac Newton had a theory of how to get the best outcomes in a courtroom. He suggested to lawyers that they should drag their arguments into the late afternoon hours. The English judges of his day would never abandon their 4 o'clock tea time, and therefore would always bring down their hammer and enter a hasty, positive decision so they could retire to their chambers for a cup of Earl Grey. This tactic used by the British lawyers is still recalled as Newton's Law of Gavel Tea. (By Guy Ben Moshe)
Albert Einstein married his cousin. He had tried to date outside his family circle, but he never found any women appealing - especailly in the boob department - that weren't within his familial group. He postulated that there is a special attraction to women in one's own family in his Theory of Relative Titty. (By Guy Ben Moshe)
A high school physics teacher had a summer job as a beach lifeguard. He noted that the best tanned babes flirted the most throughout the summer, though they never found steady boyfriends. He theorized that: A body in lotion trends to stray emotion. (By Guy Ben Moshe)
When I shaved my head and let it regrow, I was glad to have my hair apparent.
I used to have a screename on aol-'errorotica'-with the quote, 'What am I doing wrong?'
How does one tell the gender of a chromosome? By Pulling down its genes (By Vanís Camp)
What kind of dog has hands? A Watchdog (By Cynthia MacGregor) Alt: Doberman Pinchers (By Stan Kegel)
Why is approaching a northern sea bird ungainly? It would be auk-ward (By Lars Hanson)
What could you say about a botany professor who spent his sabbatical studying the foliage of sagebrush and wormwood. He took a leaf of absinthe. (By Stan Kegel)
In the Star Trek universe, the Vulcans can pursue a course of attaining 'pure logic'. However, in my version of that same universe, this procedure leads to something else. I find the Vulcans who pursue this procedure getting constipated and being driven to expressing it in a manner similar to Vincent Van Gogh and Michaelangelo. In my universe, what would this procedure be called? Colon-Art (By David Bunch)
Movie of the Week: Norman Jewisonís movie about an old man who has hiked all over the world seeking a cure for his prostate problem. Piddler on the Hoof (By Norman Gilbert)
Book of the Week: White's novel about a morally bankrupt but very successful Chinese chef who becomes very popular by including pastel food coloring in many of his dishes. The Wanton Fuschia King (By Gary Hallock)
T.V. Show of the Week: A soap about surgical residents specializing in mastectomies. "The Young and the Chestless". (By Ken Pinkham)
T.V. Show of the Week: A Psychiatrist changes his specialty to the field of respiratory ailments. The Jung and The Breathless (By Norman Gilbert)
Song of the Week: Famous Vietnam battles cycle through our minds: "The Khe Sans Go Rolling Along" (By Cynthia MacGregor)
What's the difference between a manicurist and a crack secretary? One files nails. The other nails files (By Lars Hanson)
What saint chased the snakes out of Ireland three times? St. Hat-Trick (By Cynthia MacGregor)
What's the starting price for long term rental of a decent concert piano? At leased forte grand (By Gary Hallock)
What World War II weapon was invented by a singing cowboy movie star? A Tom Mix Bomb (By Stan Kegel)
When you visit the bank, why does endorsing and depositing your check sometimes require a pair of magicians? Youíll need a Penn and Teller (By Gary Hallock)
Movie of the Week: Yul Brenner as a far eastern king who was into esoteric sex: The Kink and I (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Book of the Week: Jules Verne story about the survival of Seattle residents after being covered by a giant tidal wave? Twenty Thousand Geeks Beneath the Sea (By Gary Hallock)
T.V. Show of the Week: Della Reese and Roma Downey portray geometry teachers who travel around inspiring students with the power of higher math in: "Touched by an Angle." (By Ken Pinkham)
Song of the Week: Eddie Cantor sings about his knowledge of Japanese food. "If you knew Suchi like I know Suchi." (By Chaz Miller)
Celebrity of the Week: The Canadian who like to look at wedding clothes: Peer Trousseau (By Lars Hanson)
Free Will "There is no free will," said the old sage, "for you may not choose your parents nor the hour of your birth, neither may you select the time and manner of your death, nor may you have any voice in what passes in between, although if you can afford a good plastic surgeon, you might be able to pick your nose." (By Brian Holmes)
What orchestral instrument does an Idaho spud play? The tuber (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Mother Goose often drives her children around town on pleasure trips in a horribly non-fuel-efficient old Cadillac. Of what politically incorrect practice is she often accused? Gas Gosling (By Gary Hallock)
After bringing Mr. Hanks character in to question, the Saigon police accused him of using incendiary devices to burn down local woodlands. What was the official charge? Deforrest Asian (By David Bunch)
What is the favorite ballad of circus clowns? Iíve thrown a custard in her face. (By Stan Kegel)
What did the the Roman emperor say when he saw his best friend scarf down an entire can of Starkist? Et tuna, Brute? (By Gary Hallock)
Movie of the Week: Remember the dismay of the Baseball official who thought he could make it as a player. "The Umpire Strikes Out" (By Clynch Varnadore)
T.V. Show of the Week: Lawyers practice poor personal hygiene and gross out everyone in the courtroom in: "Law and Odor." (By Ken Pinkham)
Song of the week: Lament of a lass who smoked too much: The Girl with Emphysema (By Stan Kegel)
Celebrity of the Week: An actor who manufactures cravats for equines: Tie Roan Power (By Gill Krebs)
I knew a heterosexual couple who became bored with the same old same old, so they decided to experiment, individually, with a series of same-sex partners. After a few months of this, simultaneously, they became ashamed and reunited. Ever after they referred to this as their Bi-Cycle Guilt for Two.
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.
"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 16:43:32 GMT -6
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Spider Robinson: (1) Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased; shared chicken is soup. (2 ) Glad. Sad. Mad. What else is there?
Douglas Adams: (1)Forty-two. (2) There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly why the chicken crossed the road, the Universe will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Isaac Asimov: (1) The third law of Chickens states that a chicken must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not injure a human being or disobey an order of a human being. (2) The three laws of Chickendom. 1) No chicken shall not cross a road. 2) No chicken shall not cross a road either through action or inaction. 3) No chicken shall not cross a road unless it conflicts with the first two Chicken Directives.
J. G. Ballard: "A new social type was being created by the multilane highway, a cool, unemotional personality impervious to the psychological pressures of high-speed living, with minimal needs for safety, who thrived like an advanced species of machine in the neutral atmosphere of the highway."
Clive Barker: He was drawn to the road, and he didn't so much cross the road as the road crossed him. And once across, the chicken entered into a frightening void, filled only with the screams of a thousand agonized souls. The hands of doom reached out of the blackness, strangling the chicken, smothering him, suffocating him. He could not escape, as no one who crosses the road can escape. He was now a prisoner of the Cenobytes, doomed to an eternity of pain.
Ben Bova: To be reunited with beautiful grey-eyed Athena, the woman he has loved for all of time.
Ray Bradbury: A chicken crossing the road is an impossibility in an impossible universe.
Harlan Ellison: Because he had no beak and must scream.
Robert Heinlein: (1) Because with the freedom the chicken was given, it was the chicken's responsibility to do so. (2) The more widely dispersed chickens are throughout the Universe, the better the long-term prospects for the survival of the chicken species. (3) To grok. (4) Because it was facing an Author.
Frank Herbert: To gain control of the Spice, for who controls the Spice controls the galaxy.
Fred Hoyle: There is a coherent plan in the universe which explains why a chicken would wish to cross the road, though I don't know what it's a plan for."
Aldous Huxley: To find a brave new world.
Henry James: He had been a natural leader, the King of the coop, until that fateful day when he tried to cross the road He was thrown fifty feet by a speeding car driven by a thoughtless youth celebrating his twenty-first birthday. And now he returns every year on the anniversary of that fateful event. That was not a chicken you saw crossing the road. That was an apparition, a poultrygeist.
Franz Kafka: (1) I woke up one morning to discover that I had been turned into a chicken. I immediately felt a compulsion to cross the road. I can not say why. (2) Dieter, now in the form of a chicken, was running from the government's torture machine. The machine, an instrument of death, slowly obliterated the souls of its victims. Dieter was alone. He was running for his life, his insignificant life. (3) The indifferent maze of tortuous twisted roads criss-crossed one another without reason. But they all lead to the Castle and at the gate stood a guard. The chicken had to pass the guard. (4) Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.
Stephen King: Eyes bulging from its sockets and with bloody wing tips, it glanced to the left and then to the right, its axe swinging slightly. "Chicky's here!" it clucked.
H. P. Lovecraft: (1) To escape the eldritch, cthonic, rugose, polypous, indescribably horrible abomination not from our space-time continuum. (2) To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the dreams of madness. (3) To futilely attempt escape from the dark powers which even then pursued it, hungering after the stuff of its soul!
George Orwell: (1) Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was only serving their interests. (2) To show the cattle and sheep it could be done. The pigs being more equal did not need the lesson. (3) Because Big Brother was watching to make sure it did cross the road, although in its heart, the chicken never did. (4) Because chickens are more equal than other foul.
E.E. (Doc) Smith: Your humble narrator can barely do justice to this climactic event that rent asunder the fundamental ether of space itself, as the chicken, embodying all that is good and hard and straight and keen in the Avain world, fearlessly approached, bridged, and conquered the road for Civilization.
Theodore Sturgeon: 95% of what's written here is chickenshit.
J. R. R. Tolkein: The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow- white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus: the rough texture of the surface, over which count- less tires had worked their relentless tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name.
Kilgore Trout: To prove the universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
Kurt Vonnegut: And so it goes -- to the other side.
Roger Zelazny: A swirl of color; The smell of fresh baguettes eaten at a little bistro on Seine; The music of a far-away church choir; Click. A shifting, a renewal; light/dark, the sun a gigantic egg glowing a putrid green; fragments of Charlie Parker and Mingus. Its mind coalesed to a single act of Will, timeless, eternal, the chicken crossed the Road. To seek Order out of Chaos. To regain its memory. To collapse.
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 16:44:02 GMT -6
The engineer of a train passing through Poland could see no lights because the power had been knocked out by a severe ice storm. "We're running out of coal, "he said to his trainman, "but I think we're coming to Gdansk or Danzig, or whatever they call it now. Let's stop and send the porter out to buy some more fuel. Can you see a sign on the depot that says Gdansk in this dim light?"
The trainman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark."
And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 16:44:50 GMT -6
The Dental Patient
He was still a novice. His goal was to become an Arahat, a worthy person. He had given up all his possessions, his family and his friends. He had studied Tripikita night and day and had strove to follow the Noble Eightfold Path, but it was not enough. He had not reached the inner peace, the perfection, the Nirvana necessary to finally become a lama.
Then the toothache came. It would not stop no matter how much he tried to meditate. Yoga failed. He had to visit the dentist who found caries extending down to the root. He would need a root canal operation. He readily agreed. Anything to stop the pain.
The dentist offered Novacaine or Nitrous Oxide. He refused. He had the entire root canal done without any type of anesthesia. And when the operation was finished he knew that he had reached his goal in life. He was finally able to transcend dental medication. (By Stan Kegel)
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 16:45:17 GMT -6
The Donkey
There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.
The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride.
They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story is...if you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 16:45:59 GMT -6
Feghoot: Exodis
After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him he brought his favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted camp chores.
The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and, as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed. Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
"It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharaoh's own cattle. We shall bury him in it."
Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place."
"Rust?" Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
"Ah," sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear. "I fear you do not realize the full significance of Pharaoh's ox hide." (By Reginald Bretner writing under the pen name Grendel Briarton)
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 16:46:42 GMT -6
Flat Tire
Once, while driving around in my pickup with my pet donkey in the back, I discovered I had a flat tire. I got out and had the donkey stick its head under the bumper and lift the truck.
A passing farmer asked, "Hey, thats a pretty clever trick. How did you teach your donkey to lift the truck?"
I replied, "Its a simple matter of the breed; this is a jack ass!"
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 16:49:51 GMT -6
Grass
A rock group on tour is motoring through Wyoming in its luxurious recreational vehicle. Suddenly, their passage is obstructed by hundreds of steers. The musicians hail a cowboy and politely ask if they may drive through in order to meet their concert date.
"No way," snaps the cattleman.
The rockers huddle to consider their options, then return to the stubborn cowboy.
"We've got some really unusual grass," they offer slyly. "Marijuana in suppository form."
The cowboy accepts the bribe and reins in the animals long enough to allow the group's bus to proceed.
Moral? ... A herd in the band is worth boo in the tush. (From the National Lampoon)
This whole thing reminds me of an incident a few years ago, in my home town school district, wherein a certain high school teacher was accused of "introducing" some of his students to marijuana.
Apparently several of the students eventually developed such strong pot habits that they had "munched" themselves 20-30 lbs. overweight, and had voluntarily turned the teacher in out of anger.
It was not the first time ... a pot smoker had been given away by dilated pupils. (By Unknown)
Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs, they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says 'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my specialty spliffs.
Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some Cumin, Turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff.
On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he is still out cold, so the others decide to take him to hospital.
On arrival the nurses immediately take him to intensive care. A doctor returns to the friends and asks 'So what have you been doing then? Smoking cannabis?'
"Well sort of," replies one of the guys, "But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff."
"Ah" replies the doctor, "And what did you put in it?"
'Oh, just a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.'
The doctor sighs. 'Well that explains it.'
'Why, what's wrong with our friend?' asks one of the men.
The doctor replies, ... "He's in a karma."
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 16:51:07 GMT -6
Harry Lime is best remembered by his portrayal by Orson Wells in "The Third Man."
During World War II, a British agent actually was known by the code name, Harry Lime. This Harry Lime was very near-sighted and wore thick glasses. His assignment behind Nazi lines as a German Officer would have been impossible if the Americans had not invented a new form of lens for the myopic.
These "contact lens" were undergoing clinical trials at the Walter Reed Naval Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland. Arrangements were made to transport Harry secretly to Bethesda by submarine to be fitted with contact lens. Harry was a womanizer and had an old flame in nearby Washington.
Afraid that Harry would use this opportunity to take an unauthorized vacation, it was decided to give him very explicit orders.
Therefore, just before leaving for the ship, he was called to his control's office where he was given this direct order, ... "You are to go directly from the sub, Lime, to the Reed oculist." (By Spider Robinson)
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Post by Phalon on Mar 31, 2012 20:36:06 GMT -6
HA! Some of those are pretty bad, Spock...which, in my opinion, is a good thing in a pun; I love bad puns.
"If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor, you can tell them that poetry is verse." ~ John Crosbie & Bob Davies
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Post by Spock on Apr 1, 2012 1:10:04 GMT -6
My take on the difference between a joke and a pun:
Joke - someone or something gets hurt and we laugh to hide the pain.
Pun - a clever play on words where, usually, the only one hurt is the punster when they get punched. The louder the groan, the more the pun is appreciated.
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Post by Spock on Apr 3, 2012 12:50:05 GMT -6
The Hunter
My brother, David, who lives in Maine, tells this story. Several years ago he owned a roan stallion he had trained to hunt moose. His stallion could smell moose at least a mile away. Of course, many people make similar claims. Most, who have been near enough to notice, agree that moose do have a distinctive odor.
When moose season arrived, David would saddle up the roan and ride off into the woods. He would simply allow the horse to wander aimlessly, but invariably they would find moose the first day of the season. The horse was able to approach the moose without frightening them, so that Dave could easily bag one.
This horse became famous all over Maine for its extraordinary ability. Dave was the envy of hunters from one end of Maine to the other because his family was assured an ample supply of moose mincemeat every Christmas.
One fall day, when Dave went out to feed the horse, he found it had been stolen. He spread the word about his loss, but moose season came and went without the return of his roan stallion. After moose season closed a pickup truck drove into Dave's farmyard with the missing horse in a trailer.
The driver said, "I'm bringing your horse back. He's no good. He didn't find any moose at all."
My brother replied, "I could have told you, ... A stolen roan gathers no moose!"
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Post by Spock on Apr 3, 2012 12:51:27 GMT -6
In the Diner
Waitress: Hawaii, Mister? You must be Hungary.
Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can't Romania long, either. Venice lunch ready?
Waitress: I'll Russia table. What are you Ghana Havre? Aix?
Gent: You want Tibet? I prefer Turkey. Can Jamaica cook step on the Gaza bit?
Waitress: Odessa laugh! Alaska, but listen for her Wales.
Gent: I'm not Balkan. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java.
Waitress: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I'm only here to Serbia.
Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus, Egypt me. There's an Eire. I hope he'll Kenya. I don't Bolivia know who I am!
Waitress: Canada noise! I don't Caribbean. You sure Ararat!
Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this arguing Alps business? Why be so Chile? Be Nice!
Waitress: Don't Kiev me that Boulogne! Alemain do! Spain in the neck. Pay your Czech and don't Kuwait. Abyssinia!
Gent (to himself): I'll come back with my France and Taiwan on Zanzibar is open.
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Post by Spock on Apr 3, 2012 12:53:18 GMT -6
Inverse Logic
Any teenager who studied Greek mythology in high school was probably intrigued by the stories of how many of the immortals came to be. It seems that Zeus commonly employed a method of asexual procreation wherein progeny actually sprang forth alive from his forehead. I always supposed that this was the source of the term, "Brainchild" and also quite possibly the reason so many parents seem to be "browbeaten."
Apparently inspired by Zeus' story, the French philosopher Rene Descartes used it as the basis for his famous equation as he re-invented himself with the phrase, "I think, therefore, I am." Legend has it that he was really just trying to impress the local prostitutes by putting Descartes before the whores.
But I digress. Many generations later one of Zeus' distant relations gave birth in a similar fashion when Dr. Zeus conceived the character "Sam Iam." It wasn't long before it degenerated into "Son of Sam Iam." and the family soon went to the dogs. This is why today we see one of the most popular brands of dog food is named in his honor. Iam's.
Of course when Homer originally told this story it was in verse. That is not to say "backwards" but that the story was sung. Homer took a vote among the members of his audience to ask what meter they thought he should use. The results of his poll were "I think they're for Iambic."
Because Homer was blind and never put any of his own stories on paper, the scribes, in an apparent effort to conserve their valuable quills, dropped the "bic." This is why the phrase has been passed down to us as an ink complete translation. (By Gary Hallock)
Of course, the son of Sam Iam was famous for his philanthropy toward his creator. He was a large contributor to that group which studies mythology, named for Zeus, "The Olympic Zeusological Society". It is a group of lawyers who jealously guard the right to the use of the Gods' names. If a God's name is written in blood, I.E. used in vein, they will write a letter saying "We will file lawzeuts against you! Yes, we will Zeu!".
Sam's biggest idea was that if some people were sacrificed to the Gods, then the slave auctions, (where-in males are sold to raise money for the aforementioned Society) would be blessed by the famous God and Doctor, Ted Guy-sell. regrettably, society (real society, not the organization) disagreed and put an end to son of Sam Iam's deeds. Son of Sam Iam claimed his deeds were biblical since he was God, pointing to the passage in the Bible wherein God says, "I am that Iam!", but his pleas fell on deaf ears.
One legacy left by Sam Iam and his son is a once popular form of loose-fitting clothing which was used by Zeus' worshippers in ceremony - the so-called Zeus-Suits. (By Clynch Varnadore)
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Post by Spock on Apr 3, 2012 12:54:12 GMT -6
The Invisible Man
Seems the Invisible man wanted to know where he came from. After he was hypnotized & regressed it was revealed that a man had gone to Copenhagen for a sex change operation. While there 'she' met a 'man' who used to be a woman. They fell in love and the Invisible man was born 9 months later.
That's right! He had Transparents!
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