Post by callie on Apr 19, 2005 9:43:27 GMT -6
Hi Everyone,
Well, I thought I'd start this thread. I was just getting lost in the longer ones and since The Kings are going to be the first subject of "Marriage 911" I thought I'd observe (without attacking). This case just makes me sad.
The Kings have a beautiful house. It's wonderfully furnished. I think the house is proof positive that not everything in life is the way that it looks. In other words, here we have a dignified, well tended, thoughtfully decorated house, yet what's going on is far from it.
I don't want to judge either parent as 'good' or 'bad.'
I like both parents. I think given another situation they'd make good friends. Both are well educated, articulate and thoughtful.
But the frustration level in the Mother has manifested itself in what I can only observe is a tremendous weight gain. Over eating only leads to more frustration & weight gain. She's caught in a vicious cycle, and I see for her that it's going to take years of therapy, making time for herself, pursuing her own friendships & interests to bring her around. Laura, sweetheart, I've been you. I've been there. You have to make the choice that you are worth it, because no one else can.
The Father.... where can I start? He's not clueless, but he is lacking in an understanding that he needs to be a leader. In fact, part of his wife's frustration is that he's NOT being a leader as much as he is being a late responder and will match what's his children's behavior rather than trying to control the situation through dialogue.
So Laura & Chris. Here are a few tips from someone who was in the trenches and sought professional help:
1. Take a parenting class.
2. Make "special time" with each child every day. Give each kid 15 minutes of uninterrupted time to do a project of activity of their choosing. This could be doing Legos with your child, drawing, going for a walk, pushing him/her on a swing, going up into their bedroom and asking him/her about what's on their walls. The reason you do this is that this is the easiest way to engage in a dialogue and really make a connection with your child.
But this does NOT include:
-driving around and doing errands in the car
-talking to him/her while you're doing chores
-asking the kid to do chores while you supervise.
-doing an activity of YOUR chosing.
3. Rewards and earning always work better than 'taking away.' For many kids, you only raise the stakes by continually taking away. Better to come up with a sticker charts for all the things done correctly (chores, behaviors) and add it all up at the end of the day. X number of stickers gets the kid a special treat (like one of those yogurt tubes). If they get even more at the end of the week, they get to watch an hour more TV).
4. Time out has to be explained thoroughly in a family meeting. You can't just toss a kid in there.
5. I think the Kings could really benefit by sending the two youngest off to childcare for a good portion of the day. If they could find something that runs from 9 - 2, then this would give the Mother time to work out each day, and the Father time to pursue some other interest. They could also meet for lunch a few days a week by themselves while all the kids are in school or daycare.
6. Praise works better than criticism. Praise yourself, your spouse, your kids. You'll feel a lot better and get more cooperation.
And remember. You're leaders. Children look up to you for leadership, love, affirmation and affection. Think of yourselves as the best project managers in the world. (To borrow a cliché from Donald Trump, were this The Apprentice Chris & Laura would both be "fired!" unless they cleaned up their behavior).
I think the Nanny showed maybe too much restraint. She was spot on that the Kings need more help than she can give. But frankly, I'd of never watched Chris and the son beat the crap out of one another. Sometimes reality TV is a really cheap shot, and that's what that was. Shame on the producers.
Well, I thought I'd start this thread. I was just getting lost in the longer ones and since The Kings are going to be the first subject of "Marriage 911" I thought I'd observe (without attacking). This case just makes me sad.
The Kings have a beautiful house. It's wonderfully furnished. I think the house is proof positive that not everything in life is the way that it looks. In other words, here we have a dignified, well tended, thoughtfully decorated house, yet what's going on is far from it.
I don't want to judge either parent as 'good' or 'bad.'
I like both parents. I think given another situation they'd make good friends. Both are well educated, articulate and thoughtful.
But the frustration level in the Mother has manifested itself in what I can only observe is a tremendous weight gain. Over eating only leads to more frustration & weight gain. She's caught in a vicious cycle, and I see for her that it's going to take years of therapy, making time for herself, pursuing her own friendships & interests to bring her around. Laura, sweetheart, I've been you. I've been there. You have to make the choice that you are worth it, because no one else can.
The Father.... where can I start? He's not clueless, but he is lacking in an understanding that he needs to be a leader. In fact, part of his wife's frustration is that he's NOT being a leader as much as he is being a late responder and will match what's his children's behavior rather than trying to control the situation through dialogue.
So Laura & Chris. Here are a few tips from someone who was in the trenches and sought professional help:
1. Take a parenting class.
2. Make "special time" with each child every day. Give each kid 15 minutes of uninterrupted time to do a project of activity of their choosing. This could be doing Legos with your child, drawing, going for a walk, pushing him/her on a swing, going up into their bedroom and asking him/her about what's on their walls. The reason you do this is that this is the easiest way to engage in a dialogue and really make a connection with your child.
But this does NOT include:
-driving around and doing errands in the car
-talking to him/her while you're doing chores
-asking the kid to do chores while you supervise.
-doing an activity of YOUR chosing.
3. Rewards and earning always work better than 'taking away.' For many kids, you only raise the stakes by continually taking away. Better to come up with a sticker charts for all the things done correctly (chores, behaviors) and add it all up at the end of the day. X number of stickers gets the kid a special treat (like one of those yogurt tubes). If they get even more at the end of the week, they get to watch an hour more TV).
4. Time out has to be explained thoroughly in a family meeting. You can't just toss a kid in there.
5. I think the Kings could really benefit by sending the two youngest off to childcare for a good portion of the day. If they could find something that runs from 9 - 2, then this would give the Mother time to work out each day, and the Father time to pursue some other interest. They could also meet for lunch a few days a week by themselves while all the kids are in school or daycare.
6. Praise works better than criticism. Praise yourself, your spouse, your kids. You'll feel a lot better and get more cooperation.
And remember. You're leaders. Children look up to you for leadership, love, affirmation and affection. Think of yourselves as the best project managers in the world. (To borrow a cliché from Donald Trump, were this The Apprentice Chris & Laura would both be "fired!" unless they cleaned up their behavior).
I think the Nanny showed maybe too much restraint. She was spot on that the Kings need more help than she can give. But frankly, I'd of never watched Chris and the son beat the crap out of one another. Sometimes reality TV is a really cheap shot, and that's what that was. Shame on the producers.