Post by Lesa on Oct 24, 2005 22:39:40 GMT -6
Empathy!
My dad was a firm believer in the belt. My mom was always depressed. Who did I listen to most when I was told what to do? I would have to say it was my mom.
If I didn't have the dishes washed or my room clean by the time my dad got home, I knew there was a good chance that I would get the belt. But I would just sit around watching cartoons or whatever else was on TV until he got home, and then ran to my room and closed the door, hoping he had come home in a decent mood.
Was I afraid of the belt? Of course! But defying my dad's wishes was one way to get back at him for inflicting that pain. I didn't feel that he cared about me. I only felt that he wanted to control me, and not doing as he told me was a way to keep some of that control.
My mom, on the other hand, was not much of a disciplinarian. She was one of those parents who would keep repeating herself and not follow through with an actual punishment. But if she started crying, it made me want to stop anything bad I might've been doing and try to comfort her. It's not that my behavior or that of my brother's in itself was enough to make her cry, mind you, as it was more like the straw that broke the camel's back when she had so many other things to deal with at the time.
I do remember being very little and hiding in the clothes at the department store while my mom would keep telling me to come out. I didn't realize how frantic she was feeling and thought it was just a fun game of hide and seek. It actually wasn't until my sister, who is 15 years younger than I, started hiding in the clothes that I finally understood; and had I known back then how frantic she was feeling, I don't think I would have done that.
I also recall one incident where my brother and I wanted to call one of those children's storylines, where they tell a different story over the phone every week. When we wouldn't take no for an answer, my mom finally snapped, hitting the receiver over the phone and breaking the dial (it was a rotary phone). My brother and I quit immediately, I went into comfort mode, and she calmed down and explained that she was already upset about something else.
If my dad had asked me nicely and told me that washing the dishes would help my mom, I would have had more incentive to do them. If my mom would have sat me down and explained how frantic she got when I hid in the clothes because somebody could have kidnapped me in a matter of seconds and taken me away from her forever, I might have stayed within her sight at all times at the department store.
When a child asks, "Why?" and I hear the response, "Because I said so," it always makes me cringe. Kids are not stupid, and they will understand a good explanation if you give it. And if you help them understand how their behavior can affect the feelings of others and make them feel appreciated when they do something good and thoughtful, it will prompt them to behave and do more acts of kindness in the future.
Help your kids empathize with others, and they can contribute greatly to society.
The preceding is based on an epiphany I had during my 15 minute break at work today while contemplating my own childhood, and is not guaranteed to work with every child.
