Episode: The battling Kings

[callie]

Hi Everyone,
Well, I thought I'd start this thread. I was just getting lost in the longer ones and since The Kings are going to be the first subject of "Marriage 911" I thought I'd observe (without attacking). This case just makes me sad.

The Kings have a beautiful house. It's wonderfully furnished. I think the house is proof positive that not everything in life is the way that it looks. In other words, here we have a dignified, well tended, thoughtfully decorated house, yet what's going on is far from it.

I don't want to judge either parent as 'good' or 'bad.'
I like both parents. I think given another situation they'd make good friends. Both are well educated, articulate and thoughtful.

But the frustration level in the Mother has manifested itself in what I can only observe is a tremendous weight gain. Over eating only leads to more frustration & weight gain. She's caught in a vicious cycle, and I see for her that it's going to take years of therapy, making time for herself, pursuing her own friendships & interests to bring her around. Laura, sweetheart, I've been you. I've been there. You have to make the choice that you are worth it, because no one else can.

The Father.... where can I start? He's not clueless, but he is lacking in an understanding that he needs to be a leader. In fact, part of his wife's frustration is that he's NOT being a leader as much as he is being a late responder and will match what's his children's behavior rather than trying to control the situation through dialogue.

So Laura & Chris. Here are a few tips from someone who was in the trenches and sought professional help:
1. Take a parenting class.
2. Make "special time" with each child every day. Give each kid 15 minutes of uninterrupted time to do a project of activity of their choosing. This could be doing Legos with your child, drawing, going for a walk, pushing him/her on a swing, going up into their bedroom and asking him/her about what's on their walls. The reason you do this is that this is the easiest way to engage in a dialogue and really make a connection with your child.

But this does NOT include:
-driving around and doing errands in the car
-talking to him/her while you're doing chores
-asking the kid to do chores while you supervise.
-doing an activity of YOUR chosing.

3. Rewards and earning always work better than 'taking away.' For many kids, you only raise the stakes by continually taking away. Better to come up with a sticker charts for all the things done correctly (chores, behaviors) and add it all up at the end of the day. X number of stickers gets the kid a special treat (like one of those yogurt tubes). If they get even more at the end of the week, they get to watch an hour more TV).

4. Time out has to be explained thoroughly in a family meeting. You can't just toss a kid in there.

5. I think the Kings could really benefit by sending the two youngest off to childcare for a good portion of the day. If they could find something that runs from 9 - 2, then this would give the Mother time to work out each day, and the Father time to pursue some other interest. They could also meet for lunch a few days a week by themselves while all the kids are in school or daycare.

6. Praise works better than criticism. Praise yourself, your spouse, your kids. You'll feel a lot better and get more cooperation.

And remember. You're leaders. Children look up to you for leadership, love, affirmation and affection. Think of yourselves as the best project managers in the world. (To borrow a cliché from Donald Trump, were this The Apprentice Chris & Laura would both be "fired!" unless they cleaned up their behavior).

I think the Nanny showed maybe too much restraint. She was spot on that the Kings need more help than she can give. But frankly, I'd of never watched Chris and the son beat the crap out of one another. Sometimes reality TV is a really cheap shot, and that's what that was. Shame on the producers.

[Lesa]

Welcome to Whoosh!, Callie!

That all sounds like very good advice.  If you don't already have a career in the field, maybe you should consider it.

I missed the first half of this episode.  What did you mean by Chris and the son beating the crap out of one another?  Were they actually hitting each other physically?   If I'm getting the right impression from your comment, then it's amazing that Chris hasn't been arrested... or maybe he was after last night's airing.

If Marriage 911 doesn't help the Kings, then maybe they should call Dr. Phil.

[callie]

Hi!
No, I'm not in the field, but have devoted the last 14 years on learning how to raise a son with special needs. There was no way I could do it alone, and once I got my head together and checked my ego aside, I got help. Loads of it! From child psychologists, learning specialists to adult psychologists as well.

This was probably the most grueling thing I've ever watched because it was REAL.
Chris started by trying to force his son to behave by taking away his toys. Unknown by Chris, this is great revenge, however, it only ESCALATES the negative behavior. It does not communicate what the desired behavior is, it does not encourage dialogue, it does only one thing to a child that age: it pisses him off. (Similarly, think about how you'd feel if your boss came to you and said, "If you don't get that work done, I'll take away your paperclip holder. Still not done? Okay, I'm taking away your mousepad. Okay, that's it, now I have to take away the hook that you hang your jacket on.")

The whole mess escalated to yelling between father & son ("Hey, gimme back my things" says the kid, as he grabs and slugs the father. "Hey, gimme back my life," screams the Dad as he shoves his son back. Let's say this was a total low point in maturity for the Dad. Then it went on to name calling, hair pulling, and finally the Dad with his arms around the kid for so long that he was in an absolute panic.

I really have to say that FOX has reached the nadir of programing when they decide to let very insecure, irrational parents decide to make public the foibles of their children and forego their childrens privacy. And I must say, that the nanny's lack of intervention was in part probably due to the cameras wanting to get a 'good shot of the action.'

She should've known they needed a coach. And in that instance, a referee.

[Joxcenia]

Welcome To Whoosh!!!

Callie!!!

[Lesa]

The dad actually said "Gimme back my life"?!  It's no wonder the nanny told them they were emotionally abusing their kids!  I tuned in at the point where the kid was hyperventilating and the nanny was trying to calm him down, and I never saw what caused it.  I agree, they should've let the nanny step in before it got that far, or the nanny should've said, "Screw you and your ratings drama, I'm stepping in."

I have great respect for you in how you must be raising your son.  Doctors have never been able to diagnose what my (half) brother has, and have "diagnosed" him with cerebral palsy and autism for insurance purposes.  Yes, he has these symptoms, but that's only part of it.  When he was first born, his doctor said he didn't think he would live to see his first birthday.  My step-mom (his mother) had to learn a lot just to keep him alive: breathing treatments, tube-feeding the proper doses of several liquid "foods" given in the right order, etc.  When his bones became hollow, several doctors said he was getting enough calcium so there was nothing more they could do, until she found one doctor that realized that he wasn't producing or getting enough of something else (Vitamin D?) to absorb the calcium.  After adjusting his liquid diet, he started producing bone marrow to fill those hollow bones.

Less than a week after he saw his eye doctor, she found a cataract that he had missed.  Now he is blind in one eye, and his other eye isn't very good either.  On one occasion when she took him into the hospital for pneumonia(?), they took one look at him, all smiley and cheerful, and said "This kid isn't sick."  After she got them to listen to his lungs through the stethescope, they admitted him.  She also has to basically check everything the doctors and nurses do, because they will, for instance, put a latex bandage on him even though his chart clearly states that he's allergic to latex.

Despite his original prognosis of less than a year, he is now 10 years old.  She has learned a lot of patience and understanding because of him, and seems to know more than even the doctors at times.  If she had merely listened to them and faithfully did as she was told without finding information on her own as well as following her instincts, he probably would not have seen his first birthday.

On top of all this, my step-mom also takes care of a special needs girl.  Her mom takes her over there unbathed and unfed, and my step-mom pretty much buys all her food.  She would be more than happy to adopt her, and her mother would probably even allow it; but the girl's dad won't allow it, even though he doesn't lift a finger to help care for her.  Last winter she got sick, and her mother wanted to wait a few days before taking her to the hospital.  The dad insisted on taking her in, and if he hadn't, I think she would have died.  If my step-mom could only adopt her, she would have been taken in sooner, and I'm sure she wouldn't have spent as long in the hospital as she did, which was, I believe, about 2 or 3 weeks.

My dad married my step-mom when I was 15, and she and I were like best friends.  We even had a couple of outfits that matched each other, lol.  When I was 17, I snuck out of my dad's house at night on two different occasions.  The first time I didn't get caught and they never found out about that time until years later, but the second time I did get caught, and my step-mom wouldn't talk to me for a week after that.  When she finally did, she pinned me to the wall with her hands around my throat as though she was going to strangle me.  Being more emotionally hurt than anything and knowing she would never actually strangle me, I had my bags packed in 15 minutes and moved out of the house for good that night.  What I didn't know at the time is that she also left for a week that same night.  One betrayal of her trust after being like best friends, and she never forgave me for years.  It wasn't until my brother was born when I was 22 that we could finally put that behind us and be friends again.  If it weren't for him, she would probably still hold a grudge til this day.

Sorry this is so long, lol.  But your reminded me of my step-mom as she is today, and by your ego comment, I get the impression that you've also learned some things about yourself because of this experience.

[callie]

Thanks for the welcoming, everyone.

Well, I do have to wonder if the perception of the American family is that we are so bored that the only thing to do is watch 'reality' TV shows where someone gets tossed out, or in the case of the Kings, the parents look like drunken, overeating abusers who can easily be paid by Hollywood producers to share their worst attributes with the world. God knows the spinoffs we could have:
"Dog Trainer 911" See Dogtrainer Eddie come to the rescue of overwhelmed owners.
"LunchBox 911" Suzi Bright takes you into the deep halls of public school and exposes the darkness of lunchboxes and their contents.
"Vaccuum 911" Martha Stewart goes to New Jersey to teach the Manetti family the fine points of using vaccum cleaner attachments to get those nooks and crannies.

Enough of this! Stuff like this makes me crave the old Jack LaLanne shows where he was exercising with a chair. Push me further, and I might be crying for The Galloping Gourmet.

Better yet, bring back Xena, Hercules, Frank's Place and Mr. Ed.

[benyaminmoore]

I was looking forward to Nanny 911 but got Marriage 911 with what seemed liked a repeat of last week's episode of Nanny 911. after the first 55 minutes I really believed that this couple was aiming for divorce. After seeing the last 5 minutes of the show I think I need to go see a doctor regarding loss of salt water from some openings near my eyes. it seems I lost nearly a pint of the above mentioned salt water.
oh well let us hope that the King family can really keep it together.

[Joxcenia]

Welcome To Whoosh!!!

benyaminmoore!!!

[Lesa]

"Dog Trainer 911" See Dogtrainer Eddie come to the rescue of overwhelmed owners.
"LunchBox 911" Suzi Bright takes you into the deep halls of public school and exposes the darkness of lunchboxes and their contents.
"Vaccuum 911" Martha Stewart goes to New Jersey to teach the Manetti family the fine points of using vaccum cleaner attachments to get those nooks and crannies.

I especially love that last one, Callie! Do you know there's actually some guy they call "the dog whisperer" who trains dogs and makes appearances on talk shows?

Welcome to Whoosh!, benyaminmoore! I missed Marriage 911, but after reading your post, it sounds like I didn't miss anything good. If those two get divorced, I hope they don't do anything to make the kids think it's their fault, or play the kids against the other parent.