|
Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 13:07:38 GMT -6
Some of these are REALLY old but, if you can find the OS, they still work.
Easter Eggs
by Gil Bates April 9, 1998 Plastic eggs full of jelly beans are kids' stuff. Unlike their candy counterparts, software Easter eggs are devilishly tricky to find--but when you do find them, the entertainment is usually an animated treat that won't blow your diet or decay your teeth.
Windows 95 Admit it, you want to know who's responsible for the operating system you've been using all these years. Now you can. Furthermore, you can listen to a dinky little MIDI tune as you do. Here's how:
Right-click your desktop and select New, Folder. Name it "And now, the moment you've all been waiting for" (yes, I'm afraid so--and be sure to get all the punctuation right). Right-click the folder and select Rename. Call it "we proudly present for your viewing pleasure". Rename the folder once more, this time to "The Microsoft Windows 95 Product Team!" (be sure to get the punctuation and capitalization right).
Now open the folder and watch the show. Or get a life.
Netscape Navigator (also Firefox) Here's further proof that the Internet is a religion. Launch Navigator and follow these steps:
Enter "about:mozilla" in the address bar. Read the quasi-Old Testament verses from the 'Book of Mozilla' Nod sagely at the BLINK tag reference, even if you don't get it.
Internet Explorer 4.0 Is sitting through animated cast lists worth the payoff? Only the patient can tell. One thing's for sure, the IE cast list boasts a lot of names, and the first intermission isn't all that funny (unless your idea of a big yuk is finding out that FTP Folders didn't make it to the program's feature list). Still, if you follow these instructions, you might get a few laughs if you wait long enough ... and wait ... and wait. ...
Select Help, About. When the animations in the About Internet Explorer dialog stop, hold down the Ctrl and Shift keys, then drag the Internet Explorer "e" logo onto the globe. Still holding down the Ctrl and Shift keys, drag the logo from the globe to the right to push the Microsoft Internet Explorer 4.0 text away. Click on the Unlock button that appears when the IE 4.0 text moves offscreen. The globe will begin to vibrate; Hold down Ctrl and Shift and drag the IE logo onto the globe. You'll zoom in on the globe and a new window will pop up, listing the program's development team--along with exhortations like "Don't stop watching yet" and "Stay tuned for the funny stuff."
Excel 5 Number-crunching is for the birds. The real reason for running Excel 95 is to navigate the Doom-style labyrinth called the Hall of Tortured Souls. Here's how:
Open Excel 95 with a blank workbook. Scroll down to row 95 and click on the row number to select the whole row. Press Tab to move to column B. Select Help/About. Hold down Ctrl-Alt-Shift and click the Tech Support button. A window labeled "Hall of Tortured Souls" appears--you navigate through the hall with the cursor keys. If you get tired of exploring, you're ready to graduate: Go down the stairs and face the wall, then type the letters 'excelkfa' The wall will vanish, revealing a winding causeway. We don't know what's at the end. Too hard to navigate.
Excel 97 Dream of taking flight whenever you're faced by a wall of numbers? Try this Excel 97 "flight sim."
Open a new workbook Press F5 (Goto). Enter 'X97:L97' and click OK. Press Tab to go to the next cell, then hold down Ctrl-Shift and click the Chart Wizard button. The flight sim begins: Move the mouse to and fro to control up and down motion and left and right to steer. The left and right mouse buttons provide forward and backward thrust. Somewhere in here are some credits--but who cares? When you're done, press Ctrl-Shift-Esc.
Word 6 Word processing is dull--especially if you're stuck with a version of Word that doesn't use those distracting animated Office Assistants. Pump up your text-typing experience with a quick egg:
Open a blank document, and enter 'T3!' (include the exclamation mark). Select what you've typed. On the toolbar, click the Bold button. In the Format menu, select AutoFormat, and press OK. When you're prompted, click Accept. Finally, select About from the Help menu. Click on the Microsoft Word icon in upper-left corner.
Word 97 Tired of typing memos? Give yourself a break with a little pinball. Hey, it beats a cartoon paperclip...
Open a blank document and type in the word 'Blue'. Double-click the word to select it, then under the Format menu select Font. In the Font menu, select Bold. Change the word's color to Blue. Press OK to quit the Font dialog, then put a space after the word Blue. Select Help, About, and click on the Word logo in the upper-left corner. In the Pinball game that follows, use the 'Z' and 'M' keys to control the flippers, and when the boss appears, press Esc to get back to Word.
CorelDraw Version 5 or higher Intensive design sessions? Feh! Why not go hot-air ballooning instead?
Select Help, About CorelDraw Double-click the Corel logo balloon in the upper-left corner of the About dialog. Make the balloon rise by pressing the left mouse button. Click the right mouse button to see parachuting Elvis impersonators. Wonder what it's all about.
|
|
|
Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 13:09:35 GMT -6
How To Hire A Programmer by Kevin D. Weeks
Forget about competency tests, previous work history, personality profiles like the MBTI, reference-checking, and follow-up interviews. After years of rigorous and admittedly maverick research, I've identified five key characteristics you can use to quickly assess the fitness of a programmer candidate. I humbly submit that if you follow my advice and check for these attributes, you'll shorten your hiring cycle and simultaneously increase your success rate.
The best programmers prefer cats as pets. I've canvassed hundreds of programmers on the subject of preferred pets, and despite the odd ferret-lover (and believe me, ferret-lovers are odd), time after time cats turn out to be the non-human companion of choice. Think about it; it makes perfect sense because programmers are human cats.
Cats are night animals, as are programmers. Cats are independent, like programmers. Cats prefer to be left alone except when they want attention, and so do programmers. Cats are notoriously elegant animals and... uhm, well... programmers love elegant code. What's more, software guru Meilir Page-Jones has likened managing programmers to herding cats.
Turning to the next characteristic, programmers have a highly developed sense of the absurd. And if you think about it, this makes no sense at all. I don't know why so many programmers can quote The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy or know the entire Naughty Hungarian Phrase Book skit, but they do. The next time you interview a programmer candidate throw a "You're all individuals" at him and see what he says.
Perhaps a sense of the absurd matters because so much of what developers put up with is absurd - absurd schedules, absurd requirements, absurd hours. Treating the absurdities of the average development process with humor makes developers' jobs much easier.
Developers are usually science-fiction fans. Great programmers love technology, especially technology that doesn't yet exist. You're in a business where the only constant is change, and you need developers who don't mind a few arrows in their backs. Make sure your candidate has read Robert Heinlein's The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress. And remember, every programmer worth her salt knows what grok means.
Many developers also are musicians, painters, or photographers. Some will claim this is because both programming and artistic endeavors require great creativity. They're wrong. It's because programming is more like painting than engineering. Like painters, when programmers make mistakes, they just code right over them.
Then there's the matter of puns. I've witnessed online pun-fests that lasted as long as a week, with as many as 30 programmers trying to outdo each other. I've noticed that some participants are punctilious about staying with the root word, while others approach them as puntests where misspelling words is permitted. Again, the predilection makes perfect sense. Programming is about using language to accomplish something, and programmers have a highly evolved appreciation of how a language can be manipulated to specific ends. Puns are ways of both displaying a mastery of language and honing it.
So there you have it. Look for developers who love cats, quote Monty Python, read Heinlein, play guitar, and are accomplished punsters. If you find all these characteristics in a single individual, hire that person immediately - confident you're hiring a truly great developer. -VB Tech Journal, January 1998
Note: there was some ASCII text images with this but it distorted after posting, so I removed it.
|
|
|
Post by stepper on Mar 31, 2012 13:11:44 GMT -6
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, 'I have some really great news!'
I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down and told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!' Then she said, 'There's more'
I asked, What do you mean there's more.
She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said.... 'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive.'
|
|
|
Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 13:14:38 GMT -6
Stepper: Should I take a break and let someone else get a few in?
|
|
|
Post by stepper on Mar 31, 2012 13:19:58 GMT -6
Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work. My hammer and I have a theory about that.
|
|
|
Post by Mini Mia on Mar 31, 2012 15:00:17 GMT -6
... I do take offense at the vulgar ones though. I have my stupid moments, but I ain't amoral or lewd.
I apologize if I posted any such. Please remove them, as it was not my intention to offend anyone.
I don't recall seeing any among yours. I was talking in general. Since you have blonde daughters, I'd figure you wouldn't post any that you felt might be vulgarly insulting to them. Dumb jokes aren't really all that insulting. We all have our dumb moments. It's the crude ones that bother me. And they'd have to go on the Adult Whoosh board anyways. Well, most of them, some are the kind where you read between the lines.
|
|
|
Post by Mini Mia on Mar 31, 2012 15:02:07 GMT -6
BTW: This is one of my favorite blonde jokes.
How can you tell that a blonde was the last to use the computer?
Whiteout on the monitor screen.
|
|
|
Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 16:00:33 GMT -6
|
|
|
Post by Phalon on Mar 31, 2012 20:11:28 GMT -6
I've never taken offense to blonde jokes....probably because I'm brunette, with maybe just a few blonde tendencies....er...I mean, highlights.
|
|
|
Post by stepper on Nov 19, 2012 16:12:07 GMT -6
I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel better, finished my coffee, and noticed that everyone was staring at me…
And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod…so how was your day?
|
|
|
Post by Mini Mia on Nov 19, 2012 17:14:14 GMT -6
Good thing I don't have an ipod.
|
|
|
Post by Phalon on Nov 20, 2012 7:02:32 GMT -6
A recent post from the "Life's Little Pleasures" thread: Lol! You really are a guy, aren't you? HA!!! This proves it, Stepper. Only guys think bodily functions are funny. Well, guys and little kids, and I'm thinking you might be a bit older than a third grader.
|
|
|
Post by stepper on Nov 20, 2012 18:47:37 GMT -6
A recent post from the "Life's Little Pleasures" thread: Lol! You really are a guy, aren't you? HA!!! This proves it, Stepper. Only guys think bodily functions are funny. Well, guys and little kids, and I'm thinking you might be a bit older than a third grader. Ya know, a recent poll taken by the same people who paid for the California cow gas passing study found that only 62.6% of women thought farts were funny while 93.2% of men thought it was funny, but men laughed much harder when the farts were on a decibel level equivalent to a moon launch AND were their own. Either you appreciate the campfire scene on Blazing Saddles, or you are a man and have tried at least once to recreate that scene, or you are a man and wish you had been on the set to have yourself recorded for perpetuity so that every April Fool’s day you could call your mom and tell her the movie is on that night ‘cause you know how she feels about it. BTW: men don’t understand the 37.4% of women who don’t understand why the Blazing Saddles campfire scene is hilarious.
|
|
|
Post by Mini Mia on Dec 19, 2012 19:25:12 GMT -6
Warning: Contains some adult language.
|
|
|
Post by Mini Mia on Dec 19, 2012 19:58:10 GMT -6
|
|
|
Post by Siren on Dec 24, 2012 8:58:00 GMT -6
You know, Jox, I was just about to slip that fruitcake to you. But after watching the link for "most powerful photographs in the world" (attached to the one above), I was wiping tears. And after the video of the "humpback whale showing appreciation", I was sobbing. I just can't dump that fruitcake on you, after you gave me that. So, thank you. And I'm off to find another victim.
|
|
|
Post by Mini Mia on Dec 24, 2012 16:12:30 GMT -6
You're very welcome. And thanks for tossing the fruitcake to someone else.
|
|
|
Post by stepper on Jan 14, 2013 23:58:16 GMT -6
There was a bit of confusion at the local Wal-Mart store yesterday. When I was ready to pay for my purchase of a box of shotgun shells the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the manager about the anti-gun people running amok, but I did just as she had instructed. When her hysterical shrieking finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They really need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
|
|
|
Post by scamp on Jan 27, 2013 23:23:23 GMT -6
Just received this in an email:
Comments made on students' report cards. *All teachers were reprimanded. 01. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 02. I would not allow this student to breed. 03. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 04. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 05. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 06. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 07. This child has been working with glue too much. 08. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 09. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others. 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead. Oh bored mother Joxie, would it be okay if I passed these along to some colleagues? Thanks. scamp
|
|
|
Post by Mini Mia on Jan 28, 2013 1:28:55 GMT -6
Sure. I got them in an email, so I don't know where they came from. A search might find the webpage.
|
|
|
Post by scamp on Jan 28, 2013 4:24:58 GMT -6
Sure. I got them in an email, so I don't know where they came from. A search might find the webpage.
Thank you! I think a whole bunch of people will be sputtering coffee on their keyboards... ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by stepper on Jan 28, 2013 18:59:26 GMT -6
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. When I was only three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"I finally got to the store and a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened, started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
|
|
|
Post by stepper on Aug 31, 2014 22:00:49 GMT -6
An older friend of mine told me that about six or seven months ago as he was leaving for work, his wife met him at the door and said “I bet you don’t know what day it is.”
The friend replied “Oh yes I do.”
His wife let it go, but about 10 in the morning the door bell rang and there was a delivery guy with 18 long stem roses. At noon the door bell rang again. This time it was a delivery of a large, fancy, fruit bouquet. About 2 in the afternoon the phone rang and it was a ritzy restaurant confirming dinner reservations for that evening.
When he got home his wife met him at the door. She was made up, fluffed up, dressed up, and had a big smile on her face. She greeted him with a kiss and said “Honey, this is the best Groundhog Day Ever!”
|
|
|
Post by stepper on Sept 6, 2014 12:27:09 GMT -6
Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes. This way when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!
|
|
|
Post by stepper on Sept 20, 2014 12:04:20 GMT -6
{How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?}It depends on how hard you throw them. A husband and wife are shopping in their local grocery store. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife. “‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies. “Put them back…, it’s a waste of money”, demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband. “It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful!” replies the wife. Her husband retorts, “So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it’s half the price!!!”‘ A few minutes later there's an announcement on the speaker system: "Man down on aisle 5 - clean up crew to aisle 5"
|
|
|
Post by stepper on Dec 15, 2014 18:50:28 GMT -6
Already the parents of two rambunctious boys, the husband was thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to have twins this time. He told his wife that she should start thinking of names. "Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and Rudolph. How about Getoff and Stayoff ?"
|
|
|
Post by Phalon on Dec 16, 2014 7:03:04 GMT -6
And after that came their adoptive son, Jackoff.
|
|
|
Post by stepper on Dec 16, 2014 19:03:21 GMT -6
I think the real problem is that mama is susceptible to being Smirnoff'ed
|
|
|
Post by stepper on Jun 3, 2015 18:06:43 GMT -6
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor." (Don't make me come 'splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)
|
|
|
Post by Mini Mia on Jun 3, 2015 20:34:04 GMT -6
|
|