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Post by Spock on Jun 4, 2015 10:47:43 GMT -6
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?" "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor." (Don't make me come 'splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.) If you don't come post that on my forum I'm going to steal it!
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Post by Phalon on Jun 5, 2015 6:17:59 GMT -6
Oh, Deere!
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Post by stepper on Jun 5, 2015 22:03:24 GMT -6
LOL!! Nice.
A little old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, “Ma’am, the Crisco is in aisle 3.”
The woman replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband. He's in here somewhere'.
The clerk is astonished. 'Your husband's name is Crisco?' The woman answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public'
'I see,' said the clerk. 'What do you call him at home?'
'Lard ass.'
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Post by Mini Mia on Jun 6, 2015 1:08:57 GMT -6
Crisco ... and Lard Ass ... is what my dad called my mom.
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Post by stepper on Jun 6, 2015 10:23:59 GMT -6
I hope he was teasing.
Daddy takes his daughter to her first day of school.
When she comes home, while they are waiting for dinner, she sits down next to dad and asks "Daddy, what is sex?"
Dad figures she's heard something at school and probably needs to hear the truth so he answers the question.
After taking a few seconds to digest what she's heard, she holds up a form she brought home from school and says "Dad! How do I get all that in this little box marked 'Sex'?"
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Post by Mini Mia on Jun 6, 2015 15:44:32 GMT -6
Not always. Besides, even in teasing I'd think that kind of comment can hurt.
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Post by stepper on Jun 7, 2015 20:02:08 GMT -6
I'm sure it can Joxcee. As a joke it's funny, IRL not so much.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced it's way out... she simply had to know. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason, wives tend to like this joke .
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Post by stepper on Nov 16, 2015 19:42:10 GMT -6
T-Shirt Humor
Measure twice, cut once curse, buy more and cut again
I'm 29 (This is an old shirt.)
At my age I'm more apt to forget than to forgive
Never trust an ATOM they make up everything
I before e, except after c. Wierd?
A A A A A American Association Against Acronym Abuse
Life would be easier if you could mark people as SPAM too
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
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Post by Spock on Nov 17, 2015 13:00:41 GMT -6
T-Shirt Humor
...
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Those lines go together or they don't make any sense.
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Post by stepper on Nov 17, 2015 20:24:30 GMT -6
I put it last on purpose. It's not obvious?
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Post by Spock on Nov 17, 2015 21:36:06 GMT -6
It was to me ...
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Post by stepper on Nov 18, 2015 21:11:47 GMT -6
I suspected that would be the case. I liked it so much I almost ordered it.
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Post by stepper on Jul 22, 2016 18:59:04 GMT -6
Since these aren't puns they'll fit better here.
Murphy's Real Laws..... (some repeats, some new)
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive ? How do I put it in reverse ?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."
13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
20. Just remember if it wasn't for gravity, we'd all fall off. (Or up)
21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it, but for the other foot.
26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Post by Spock on Dec 9, 2016 22:27:38 GMT -6
I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st Century, old man." she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad." Well, I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it!
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Post by Mini Mia on Dec 9, 2016 22:59:16 GMT -6
OMG! That's what fly swatters are for!
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Post by Phalon on Dec 31, 2016 9:18:37 GMT -6
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Post by Phalon on Aug 7, 2017 21:20:47 GMT -6
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Post by Mini Mia on Aug 8, 2017 0:32:56 GMT -6
Yeah. Makes ya wonder how much sex _they'd_ be having if they were the ones who gave birth.
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Post by Phalon on Aug 8, 2017 4:42:52 GMT -6
HA! Don't think it'd curtail any sexual activity, but damn sure that birth control would remain covered on any healthcare plan they eventually push through.
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Post by Mini Mia on Aug 8, 2017 21:02:36 GMT -6
I'm also sure they'd push for harsher child support laws too.
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Post by Phalon on Dec 21, 2017 12:12:49 GMT -6
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Post by Mini Mia on Jun 5, 2018 20:59:23 GMT -6
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Post by Phalon on Jun 6, 2018 23:05:46 GMT -6
Those can't be real movie clips?! Worst Southern accents ever!
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Post by Mini Mia on Jun 7, 2018 0:14:06 GMT -6
It's a Southern Thing is a web series. They probably would have to pay 'use rights' in order to use movie clips, so by making up their own clips they can both exaggerate for humor and save money ... plus make money.
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Post by Phalon on Apr 5, 2020 9:32:10 GMT -6
I recently mentioned in a post that Wikipedia (although it does contain a ton of useful and factual information) is not always a reliable source - the reason being of course, is that anyone with Internet can write and edit a Wikipedia article; writers are anonymous and don't get paid. This leads to a lot of...uhm....creativity. Here's a list of actual Wikipedia entries and edits before they were spotted by moderators and removed. OMG, some of them are so funny, I laughed out loud. www.boredpanda.com/funny-wikipedia-edits/?utm_source=search.yahoo&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=organic
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Post by moonglum on Jan 6, 2021 14:54:54 GMT -6
Vox and I have got a pet hawk. He likes nothing better than to fly around at night listening to 80's synthesiser music. That's right ......... Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark.
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Post by Phalon on Jan 7, 2021 7:28:22 GMT -6
BOLL, Moonglum! Could definitely use a smile and laugh, and thanks for coming though!
I recently heard a chorus of birds...
Hawk! The harrier, eagles sing!
They, of course, were preying.
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Post by Phalon on Jan 9, 2021 12:45:45 GMT -6
Hubs saw a beehive without any exits.
"It was unbeeleavable!", he said.
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Post by stepper on Jan 11, 2021 17:39:10 GMT -6
Snicker Snicker An original! At least it is new to me. I call toilets "the Jim" instead of "the John" so I can tell people, "I visit the Jim several times a day!"
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Post by Phalon on Jan 12, 2021 11:04:01 GMT -6
HA! Good one. I'm adopting it.
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