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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 10:33:10 GMT -6
6 o'clock news
A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump.
"I'll take that bet," the blonde replied.
A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.
"No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars."
The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."
That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 10:33:35 GMT -6
A Blonde's Year in Review
January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!......bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"
April Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July Lost breast stroke swimming competition....learned later , the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August Got locked out of my car in rain storm.... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel .
November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven" Button on the stupid phone!!!
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 10:33:58 GMT -6
A Dumb Blond?
A lawyer and a blond woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blond is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blond's attention and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blond doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blond's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After a good hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blond and hands her $500. The blond takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blond reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 10:34:40 GMT -6
A Tiger
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 10:35:07 GMT -6
Alligator
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone one hundred dollars who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A buxom young blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 10:35:42 GMT -6
Catholic Honeymoon
On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed.
When her husband wasn't shortly behind her, she got up and went looking for him -- and found that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
She asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her.
"I thought you realized," he replied. "It's Lent."
"What?!" she shreaked, almost in tears. "Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!"
"Well, you asked, and that's the answer," he said, going back to his book.
"But..." she said. "Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 10:35:58 GMT -6
Not All Dumb Blondes are Women
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blonde opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the triple funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He always made his own lunch."
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 10:36:24 GMT -6
Fatal Attraction
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 10:36:40 GMT -6
Green Side Up
A painting contractor was discussing a job with a lady. In the first room she said she wanted the walls a pale blue. The contractor nodded, went to the window and yelled "Green side up!"
In the second room the woman said she wanted the ceiling a rosy red. The painter nodded again and went to the window and yelled "Green side up!"
Looking somewhat concerned the woman went to the third room and said she wanted the walls a yellowish shade. The painter nodded once more, then went to the window and screamed "Green side up!"
"I'm sorry" he replied, "I have a crew of blonds laying turf next door."
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 10:36:58 GMT -6
Lumberyard Questions
Two blondes drive into a lumberyard. The passenger gets out of the truck, walks up to a worker, and says she needs a bunch of four-by-twos.
"You mean two-by-fours?" the worker asks.
"Hm, I'm not sure," the blonde says. "I'll go check."
She walks back to the truck, and the two blondes consult a book.
"Yeah," she says after getting the answer. "I meant two-by-fours."
"All right," says the worker. "How long do you need them?"
This time, the sweet young thing didn't even need to consult the book.
"A really long time," she says. "We're gonna build a house."
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 10:38:27 GMT -6
BTW, I have two daughters, both blond, both highly intelligent. They are the major source of all my "Blond" jokes. Continuing:
School Girl
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! "Very good," said her Mother. "Is it because I'm blond?" "Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!" "Very Good," said her Mother. "Is it because I'm blond, Mommy?" "Yes it's because your blond!"
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blond, Mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24."
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 10:39:06 GMT -6
Smart Blond
A young blond walks into a bank to borrow $10,000 for a European vacation. The loan officer asks how she'll secure the loan and she points to a new Ferrari. He accepts the pink slip as collateral and parks the car in their underground parking lot.
Two weeks later the blonde returns, repays the loan and the $10.52 interest, and collects her pink slip for the car.
The loan officer says, "When you left two weeks ago, I checked your credit rating. You're a multi-millionaire heiress. Why would you borrow money for a trip?"
The blonde replies, "Where else can I park a new Ferrari in the city of Toronto for two weeks for $10.52 and expect it to still be there when I return?
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 10:39:28 GMT -6
The Dumb Blonde?
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde female crewmember to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
The man wasn't satisfied by this assurance. He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up -- so she took them home and ate them.
Three lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.
3. Even when the law is on your side, "Possession" sometimes trumps.
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 10:39:43 GMT -6
Winter Blond
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blond catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blond gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blond.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 10:40:47 GMT -6
BTW, I have mega-bytes of text humor. I'm listing it alphabetically ...
The Sign of a Good Business
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
. . . On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
. . . At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
. . . On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
. . . Sign at a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
. . . In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
. . . On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
. . . At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."
. . . At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
. . . Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We heard you coming."
. . . In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 10:41:11 GMT -6
The Exploitive Business Owner
A man owned a small business, and an agent from the state's employment office came for a surprise visit.
"You say there's a problem here?" the boss inquired.
"That's what we hear, sir," the agent said. "You are required by law to cooperate."
"Whatever you boys need is fine with me," said the cooperative man.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the businessman, "there's my foreman who's been with me for nine years. I pay him $1,500 a week."
"Who else?" the agent said.
"And the office gal has been here for three years, and I pay her $450 per week."
"And?" the agent insisted, clearly looking for the businessman to admit something in particular.
"The only other one is the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He only gets about $100 per week, though he gets a bottle of bourbon every payday -- which he has to nurse along for the rest of the month. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to!" says the agent. "The half-wit that you don't even pay minimum wage!"
"Yer talkin' to him," replied the boss.
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Post by Spock on Mar 29, 2012 10:44:39 GMT -6
Hmm, Computer jokes are next but I have a lot of small images. How do I upload images for display ... or am I allowed to?
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Post by Mini Mia on Mar 30, 2012 14:14:21 GMT -6
BTW, I have two daughters, both blond, both highly intelligent. They are the major source of all my "Blond" jokes.
I laughed at them when they were 'Pollock' & 'Moron' jokes, so I don't feel I have the right to be insulted now. Plus, my hair has darkened as I got older. Some might still call it blonde, ash or dark blonde, maybe, but I call it a light brown.
I laugh at the ones that are funny, and groan at the ones that are really stupid. I do take offense at the vulgar ones though. I have my stupid moments, but I ain't amoral or lewd.
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Post by Mini Mia on Mar 30, 2012 14:27:54 GMT -6
Hmm, Computer jokes are next but I have a lot of small images. How do I upload images for display ... or am I allowed to?
You just use image tags. Most image sites give you the code to copy and past. Like the emoticons you posted on the 'Smilies' thread. I use Photobucket.com, but others use other sites. Some use their own websites.
The images do have to be PG-13. Proboards TOS does not allow Adult content. That is why we now have a Runboard board. All Adult content must be posted there.
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Post by stepper on Mar 30, 2012 17:01:20 GMT -6
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic, turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 0:04:45 GMT -6
... I do take offense at the vulgar ones though. I have my stupid moments, but I ain't amoral or lewd. I apologize if I posted any such. Please remove them, as it was not my intention to offend anyone. You just use image tags. ... I know how to use BBCode, I was just wondering about the storage of said images. I guess I will upload them to my website so I can then"share" them here. The only problem with that is that, if/when my site goes away, so will the images linked here ... which is why I wanted to know about uploading them here. I will go ahead and upload them to my site as I've already said. If you like any of them, you can decide then whether or not you want to have copies on your site. In a crowded city at a busy bus stop ... My wife and I laughed at that one.
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 12:23:59 GMT -6
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 12:27:21 GMT -6
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 12:32:35 GMT -6
Micexxx.gif Edited: Got the last one to work, but made it a link, as it is adult content. Could not figure out how to fix the running man. ~~ Mini-Mia/Joxcenia
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 12:39:16 GMT -6
Sorry, image.24.jpg was a duplicate, so I removed it and for some reason the Running Man (Running-1.gif) doesn't ... Ah well, onward! The image immediately below was in the main humor folder online, just live with it! Edit: Two images were resized. Click on them to see larger image. ~ Mini-Mia/Joxcenia
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 12:50:38 GMT -6
SHOULD MY LOVED-ONE BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?
For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling - is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an assisted Computing Facility. But you have questions. So many questions.
We at Silicon Pines ACF want to help.
WHAT EXACTLY IS AN "ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY"?
Sometimes referred to as "Homes for the Technologically Infirm," "Technical Invalid Care Centers," or "Homes for the Technically Challenged," Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multi-tasks. Most fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves.
WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF?
Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal. You must ask yourself:
"How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an e-mail attachment?"
"How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory?" "How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!'"
To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to return to often; or, if you can't figure out how to bookmark it, print out. Also, please take a moment to read "I'm Glad I'm in Here! - A Resident's Story."
MUST IT BE FAMILY, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF?
Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or, at times, entire sales departments, committed to ACFs. At present, however, individuals can be committed only by direct family or self-internment. The reason is simple: there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate all the technologically challenged. For example, there are currently only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million AOL users.
HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?
ACF rents range from free up to $12,500 per month. The disparity is currently a point of con-tention in the ACF industry. Many residents are covered through government programs such as Compucaid or Compucare, but reimbursement rates are low and only cover a portion of the fees. Exacerbating the situation, are the HMOs (HelpDesk Maintenance Organizations), which often deny coverage, forcing residents to pay out of pocket or turn to expensive private techcare insurers such as BlueCache/BlueScreen.
Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves, many of which subsidize ACFs. Firms such as Microsoft, Dell, Qualcomm, and America Online will pay up to 100 percent of a resident's monthly bill, but there is a catch. ISPs, for instance, require residents to sign service contracts lasting a year or more. Microsoft, meanwhile, prohibits the installation of any com-petitive software, while Priceline requires that residents buy shares of its stock, which seems onerous, but residents save on lavatory tissue.
HOW OLD MUST I BE TO HAVE SOMEONE COMMITTED?
Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family member. However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs. Frazier and Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a "danger to themselves and the community." According to court records, Bradley told his parents about the I Love You virus and warned them not to click attachments, then the next day his parents received an I Love You email and clicked on the attachment because, they explained, "it came from someone we know."
WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF?
First, make sure it's a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents. If they look rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this is probably 'assisted living.' On the other hand, if they vary in age and say things like, "I'm supposed to figure that out? I'm not Bill GD Gatesî then you know this is probably 'assisted computing.'
Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology devices, including telephones, electric toothbrushes and alarm clocks. However, only a facility's Licensed Techcare Professionals (LTPs) should perform computa-tional or technological tasks such as installing programs or saving e-mail attachments. And LTPs should NEVER answer residents' questions because studies have shown that answering user questions inevitably makes things worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done for them, relieving them of the pressure to "learn" or "improve."
CAN A RESIDENT EVER GET OUT?
No.
OK, THIS SOUNDS PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE?
For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines ACF and the ACF lifestyle, which can be found by clicking one of the links in the navigation bars found at both the top and bottom of this page. But whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists. WebTV & AOL users alone will take years to absorb.
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 12:54:32 GMT -6
The Amish Virus
You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone in your address book. Then delete all of your files on your hard drive.
Thank thee.
Jebediah
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 12:58:52 GMT -6
Subject: *C monkey
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper "I'll have a C monkey please".
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000". The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey - most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - 10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 13:00:31 GMT -6
Comprehending Mathematicians -- Take One
A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were all asleep in a hotel when several fires broke out in their respective rooms.
The chemist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC (chemistry handbook), and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.
The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep. The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses, you-name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have proven that I can put the fire out!"
He then went back to sleep.
*******************************************************
Comprehending Mathematicians -- Take Two
A mathematician is a person who says that, when 3 people are supposed to be in a room but 5 come out, 2 must go in to return the room to an empty state. *******************************************************
Comprehending Computer Scientists -- Take One
Several professors were asked to solve the following problem:
"Prove that all odd integers are prime."
Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is not a prime -- counter-example -- claim is false.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime ...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime ...
Computer: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime ... segmentation fault
*************************************************
Comprehending Computer Scientists -- Take Two
Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer. The car stalled out.
The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."
The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."
The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."
They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.
The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it." *******************************************************
Comprehending Computer Scientists -- Take Three
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?" ********************************************************
Comprehending Computer Scientists -- Take Four
A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops. They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he'd been washing his hair.
The instructions on the bottle said:
Wet hair, Apply shampoo, Lather,Rinse, Repeat ********************************************************
Comprehending Engineers -- Take One
In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
The mathematician said: "Never."
The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time."
The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes." **************************************************
Comprehending Engineers -- Take Two
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1 Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace. ******************************************************
Comprehending Engineers -- Take Three
Three engineers and three mathematicians are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three mathematicians each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a mathematician.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The mathematicians take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The mathematicians see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the mathematicians decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed mathematician.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a engineer.
When they board the train, the three mathematicians cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the mathematicians are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." ********************************************************
Comprehending Engineers -- Take Four
The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach
10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors. 9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work. 8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook. 7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use. 6. Always try to fix the hardware with software. 5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life. 4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay? 3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world. 2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software. 1. Dilbert is a documentary. *********************************************************
Comprehending Engineers -- Take Five
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
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Post by Spock on Mar 31, 2012 13:04:33 GMT -6
"If they wrote computer error messages in haiku . . ." I believe credit for this goes to The Urban Institute Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. - - - - - - - - - - - - - A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. - - - - - - - - - - - - - Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. - - - - - - - - - - - - - Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers. - - - - - - - - - - - - - Seeing my great fault Through darkening blue windows I begin again - - - - - - - - - - - - - The code was willing, It considered your request, But the chips were weak. - - - - - - - - - - - - - Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? - - - - - - - - - - - - - Server's poor response Not quick enough for browser. Timed out, plum blossom. - - - - - - - - - - - - - Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. - - - - - - - - - - - - - Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may enter this system. - - - - - - - - - - - - - This site has been moved. We'd tell you where, but then we'd have to delete you. - - - - - - - - - - - - - wind catches lily scatt'ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault - - - - - - - - - - - - - ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much. - - - - - - - - - - - - - First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. - - - - - - - - - - - - - With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist - - - - - - - - - - - - - Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down - - - - - - - - - - - - - A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. - - - - - - - - - - - - - There is a chasm of carbon and silicon the software can't bridge - - - - - - - - - - - - - Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that - - - - - - - - - - - - - To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy - - - - - - - - - - - - - You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. - - - - - - - - - - - - - No keyboard present Hit F1 to continue Zen engineering? - - - - - - - - - - - - - Hal, open the file Hal, open the damn file, Hal open the, please Hal - - - - - - - - - - - - - Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. - - - - - - - - - - - - - Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. - - - - - - - - - - - - - The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone. - - - - - - - - - - - - - Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found." - - - - - - - - - - - - - Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
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