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Post by katina2nd on Jan 12, 2021 19:23:19 GMT -6
Think this may have been posted on here before but it's pretty darn funny (well to me anyway) so thought I would trot it out again, ya could change the name From Bush to the present incumbent and it would be just as accurate.
President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered
Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." " Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?
"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
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Post by Phalon on Jan 14, 2021 8:40:40 GMT -6
I do remember reading it before....though I would fail miserably at retelling it. I'm horrible at telling jokes; if I somehow manage to make it through the retelling without leaving out details, I forget the punchline, or mess it up entirely.
Speaking of making errors....
BP gave up eating red meat a few years ago. I told her it was a big missed steak.
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Post by stepper on Jan 14, 2021 16:55:07 GMT -6
You know, when the Lego stores reopen, people will be lining up for blocks.
What if Soy Milk is just Regular Milk introducing itself in Spanish?
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Post by Phalon on Jan 16, 2021 11:22:59 GMT -6
It took me awhile (I read your post yesterday morning) to get it; I don't know Spanish. However Beck's song "Loser" has been stuck in my head since, with of course the wrong lyrics because after "Soy", I just make up the rest of the Spanish words he's singing.
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Post by stepper on Jan 19, 2021 17:39:54 GMT -6
So many coronavirus jokes out there, it's a pundemic.
WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. At least they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.
The grocery stores in France look like tornadoes hit them. All that's left is de brie.
Finland has just closed their borders. No one will be crossing the finish line.
Now is not the right time to surround yourself with positive people.
If they put the vaccine in beer and opened up the pubs, the whole country would be vaccinated by next Thursday. Just trying to help.
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Post by Phalon on Jan 21, 2021 9:07:54 GMT -6
OMG!!!!! Will Smith has been here!!!!
Evident by Fresh Prints in the snow!!!
(Ok, that's an old one, but relevant with all the fresh snow we have.)
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Post by Phalon on Jan 24, 2021 8:47:29 GMT -6
What did one cupcake say to the other cupcake?
"You ain't seen muffin yet."
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Post by stepper on Jan 25, 2021 16:56:10 GMT -6
I hate Russian dolls, they are so full of themselves.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
Man walks into the Dr.'s office and says: "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home." Dr. says: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." Man asks: "Is it common?" Dr. says: "Well, It's Not Unusual.."
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Post by moonglum on Jan 26, 2021 15:02:28 GMT -6
Thieves broke into a local police station and stole all the toilets. Police have launched an investigation but admitted that, so far, they've got nothing to go on.
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Post by Phalon on Jan 28, 2021 7:00:11 GMT -6
See, you guys know all the good jokes!
I once tried to make a joke about the wind, but it blew.
Sorry. Not enough caffeine.
I've been robbed of my coffee this morning. Hubs mugged it.
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Post by stepper on Jan 29, 2021 20:27:25 GMT -6
The outdoorsman was sitting in his kayak when it started to get cold. He decided to light a fire in the craft, but, naturally, it sank, proving once again you can't have your kayak and heat it too. Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The wedding was just okay, but the reception was great!
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Post by Phalon on Jan 31, 2021 9:25:42 GMT -6
I opened the freezer the other day, and to my surprise, found a skeleton inside! I gotta say, it was bone-chilling!!!
"WTF?!! Are you a numbskull?!" I asked him.
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Post by moonglum on Jan 31, 2021 13:10:15 GMT -6
This is a true story. One of the funniest signs I've ever seen.
I was sitting in a public toilet a long time ago. As I was going about my business I noticed a small label stuck to the bottom of the door. The printing was so small I had to lean right forward to read it. It said....
You are now sh**ting at an angle of 45 degrees.
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Post by stepper on Jan 31, 2021 18:10:58 GMT -6
For some, becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
The librarian noticed the books were a mess and exclaimed "We should be ashamed of ourshelves!"
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Post by Phalon on Feb 3, 2021 6:39:51 GMT -6
That is funny!
Proving once again that I cannot tell a joke...at least not a memorable joke; I just posted that one a couple of weeks ago.
Did I ever post the one about the vacuum cleaner?
It sucked.
Can February March? No, but April May.
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Post by Phalon on Feb 28, 2021 8:01:55 GMT -6
Remember back when you were a kid, rolling down hills in tires?
Ah, those were the Good Years!
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Post by stepper on Mar 9, 2021 19:07:17 GMT -6
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself that's a little condescending.
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Post by moonglum on Mar 15, 2021 1:50:57 GMT -6
A man was attacked in St Peters square by the pope wielding a knife. The man survived but is suffering from multiple papal cuts.
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Post by stepper on Mar 17, 2021 15:47:16 GMT -6
An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.
As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, “Hey, what’s that weird-looking little green thing down there?”
The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, “SPLBLBLBLT!,” right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,
“Hey, what is that thing, anyway?”
The Irishman replies, “Have some respect. He’s a leprechaun.”
“Oh, all right.” the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. “Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!” he says.
The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again, “SPLBLBLBLBT!”
This time the Englishman is really mad!
“Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I’ll chop his willie right off, I will!” he shouts.
“You can’t do that,” says the Irishman. “Leprechauns don’t have willies.”
“How do they pee, then?” asks the Englishman.
“They go “SPLBLBLBLBT!”.
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Post by Phalon on Mar 26, 2021 5:00:58 GMT -6
Courtesy of Vox's Facebook; it made me laugh:
I asked my daughter to give me the phone-book. She laughed at me, called me a dinosaur, and lent me her iPhone instead.
So the spider is dead, the iPhone is broken, and my daughter is furious.
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Post by moonglum on May 21, 2021 5:18:16 GMT -6
I was once engaged to be married to a girl with a wooden leg. Unfortunately, we fell out, so I broke it off.
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Post by moonglum on May 21, 2021 5:35:11 GMT -6
Paddy and Murphy visit Rome and decide to join the crowds in St Peters square. To their delight the Pope decides to have an impromptu day among the people. The Bishops duly bring His Holiness out in his sedan chair and he greets the people, shaking their hands and blessing them. Later that night, the pair go to a bar. "What will we have to drink?" Says Paddy. Murphy turns to the barman and asks. "What does the Pope drink?" The barman replies. "Creme De Menthe." "We'll start with two pints of Creme De Menthe." Says Murphy. The next morning the pair wake up in an alley with the worst hangovers they have ever had. Paddy looks at Murphy and says. "Christ Mick, no wonder they carry the old fella around in a chair!"
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Post by Phalon on May 25, 2021 4:37:14 GMT -6
This one left me stumped.
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Post by Phalon on May 28, 2021 4:48:57 GMT -6
I had a dream last night that I was swimming in orange water.
Then I woke up, and realized it was just a Fanta Sea.
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Post by stepper on Jun 6, 2021 11:18:41 GMT -6
Phalon Sorry. I can't remember where I heard this one so if it's also a repeat, just know I've been sharing it. I deleted all the German names from my phone directory. Now it's Hans free. RIP, boiling water. You'll be mist. I was at a soccer game and noticed the stadium got hot after the game. Then I realized it happened because all the fans left. I went to the store looking for camouflaged clothing but I couldn't find any.
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Post by Phalon on Jun 8, 2021 4:51:13 GMT -6
And so, I gotta ask....any re-Gretas?
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Post by moonglum on Jun 11, 2021 23:09:11 GMT -6
I wonder if songbirds ever get annoyed at hummingbirds for not knowing the words.
Do pirates have to take a patch test to get their pirates licence?
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Post by stepper on Jun 13, 2021 12:31:13 GMT -6
A rancher counted 196 head of cattle when they were out on the range, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
I went to the butcher's the other day, and I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
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Post by stepper on Jun 27, 2021 10:59:54 GMT -6
My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.
I brought home diet pills and handed them to her.
Apparently that was not what she meant.
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Post by Phalon on Jul 17, 2021 4:23:22 GMT -6
When you're feeling a little frazzled and a little chuckle might do you some good, remember the day Phalon almost got all the way to work before she had to turn around and go back home again.
To get shoes.
Because she realized she was still wearing slippers.
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